2018, not a fan. So I prefer to look forward.

While I do not possess powers or abilities to actually see the future, I have paid attention to the past and so I know these five things to be true.

Predictions

1. Those people will still be assholes

More arrests and a final  and ugly fall from grace will unfold through the year prompting thousands of people to reconnect with their red MAGA-hatted friends and family. Mostly to gloat. But they will soon realize that the estrangement was no loss.

2. Low-Rise rises again

Fashion is cyclical. And yet no one in that industry seems to learn from their mistakes.

Young ladies of 2019, back in the day of OG Mom Jeans, we, too, had the same arguments. We pleaded that at least a mid-rise jean was needed to tuck all our stomach issues in, but low-rise was actually a good thing (to an extent — as we know it went way too far and way too many ass cracks had their day in the sun). Just remember that you need to add another $20 to the price of those new low-rise jeans in order to have a tailor custom fit the waistband and hem them. Yeah — we’re going to be seeing less of those cropped skinny pants too.

And you shouldn’t be surprised if vintage Juicy tracksuits start showing up on the truly fashion forward. Also, for some reason I strongly feel that Paris Hilton will become an ironic folk hero to the Gen Z set with stacks of graphic tees in her honor at Forever 21 by year’s end.

The future isn’t always pretty — especially when it’s an echo of our past.

3. Women will turn 40 and while many will stop noticing them, they will indeed continue to exist.

These women will complain to their friends over Rosé (which will not go away quietly) about hard black or clear chin hairs that suddenly spring up an inch long overnight and genuinely not understand why no one in the beauty industry warned them. 

4. Emo Kid Come Back

This will partly be due to Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba’s comic The Umbrella Academy bringing its blend of weird family drama, super powers, black comedy into homes via the new Netflix series. But there will also be a 4th Wave shoegaze-y musical component coming forth from the garages and indie clubs to the mainstream. We all wanted some angry punk rock made by the kids in the age of Trump. But what we’re going to get is emo (though they’ll probably sulk and snarl at being called emo).

5. They’ll figure out a way to ruin doughnuts

As the fly-over states really dig into the artisanal doughnut trend that killed the cupcake shop on the west coast over the last five years, we’ll have to suffer through the foodie’s trying to step up their game and thus screwing up a good thing with savory fillings and experimental fusion cross-overs. But there will be safety in going to the dive-bars of donut shops and hopefully, they will move onto pancakes by the end of 2019.