Tag: The Handmaid’s Tale

The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E10 “The Last Ceremony” Hot Take Recap

The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E10 “The Last Ceremony” Hot Take Recap

  • The title of the episode is “The Last Ceremony”. This bodes well.
  • Hey! A commander has a heart attack after rape. Praise be! Bonus points for the nut shot.
  • Childwife and ManbabySoldier are sure getting friendly.
  • “Oh, I’m so pleased to be stealing this child!” Go to hell Serena Joy.
  • Make way for Aunt BitchBag everyone!
  • Wowsers. A black commander. A black VIRILE commander. Gird your loins, men.
  • Whoa whoa whoa. Wait wait. The wives have their own fake-birth ceremony? This clinches it. When the season is over? I’m doing some fanfic crossovers where Jessica Jones lays waste to Gilead.
  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. June 1. Serena 0.
  • Aunt Bitchbag’s spicy mango tea? I see Kermit sipping it already. Also, did June just mildly threaten Serena with an ass whoopin’? June 2. Serena 0.
  • Oh, June. You didn’t think he’d say yes, did you. But I appreciate the moxie. And I LOVE that on her way out she is burning every damned bridge she crosses. June 3. Waterfords 0.
  • Oh. This is. I can’t. I may stop the episode right now. The Waterfords are pure, unforgivable evil.
  • GASP! Childwife and ManBabySoldier! SHE’S UNCLEAN. And Nick likes to watch. Vurrrp.
  • Oh, poor Childwife. You know not what you say. I mean, you figured Nick like June. Good on you for that. But seriously. You’re 15. And this fucked up religious cult you are indoctrinated in has ruined your poor mind.
  • “Please stop crying.” Congrats Nick. NOW you’re a father.
  • PAUSE. Voldefred has a “surprise.” I swear to whatever God-Like-Being that is reading my recaps… If this asshat brings Hannah out as a present for raping a pregnant woman, I’m going to… OK, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll be really sad.
  • Fuck the Waterfords. There’s no bounds to the cruelty of this show. “Why didn’t you try harder?”… Tear my god-damned spine out of my body.
  • Telling your own child to “Love your parents” when YOU CAN’T BE HER MOTHER is one of the most gut-wrenching things I’ve seen June endure. AND SHE WAS LITERALLY RAPED AN EVENING AGO. 
  • For fuck’s sake. Nick? SHOOT THE WATERFORDS.
  • Holy shit. Nevermind. Well, I don’t think I can breathe now.
The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E9 “Smart Power” Hot Take Recap

The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E9 “Smart Power” Hot Take Recap

  • Martha is permanently stuck on sass-mode. Nothing deeper to report.
  • “Hi. I’m Issac. I like long walks on the beech. The writings of Levi. And this rifle.”
  • The Handmaid’s Tale is going to Canada! Wooooooo! Someone start a round of “If I Had A Million Dollars”!
  • And the award for deep-rooted irony goes to… Voldefred, for his “the Canadians need to know that you’re not an abused woman living in an oppressed society that YOU WERE TOTALLY IN-PART RESPONSIBLE FOR.”
  • Hey! Childwife made cookies. And HusbandBlankStare is sure… Nick.
  • Serena Joy sure is a bitch. “When the baby pops out, you gon’ bitch.” “Bu—” “Suck it, whore.”
  • Oh, hey! Luke woke the fuuuuuudge up when he saw his wife’s ritual rapist. YAY!
  • Moira… it’s time to learn strategic ninja star throwing.
  • That’s right, Serena. Gaze upon a metropolis filled with energy, life, words, love, and civility. It turns out you didn’t need to reduce society to some psuedo-Amish backwards-assed joyless patriarchy! Now, smile and be pretty for the meetings like a good bitch. (Get it. That’s a pun, because she’s an obedient female dog, and an ass!)
  • SICK GAY BURN, BRAH!
  • It’s hard not to make a thousand notes tonight. I’m sorry. DID THEY JUST GIVE HER A PICTURE-GRAM SCHEDULE?! Ha! I mean, I literally paused on her grimace just to soak it up.
  • Unwoman. Gun to the temple. I’m rewinding to Serena’s face.
  • Won’t even share the elevator with her. Suck it, Housefrau Bitchface. You are amidst free people.
  • Take the treason and coconuts, idiot. WHO KNEW THAT SCIENCE TRUMPS YOUR DOPEY FAKE RELIGION. I love Mr. America. He’s cruel in the BEST way.
  • Childwife… meet Childsoldier. Ya’ll should make with the sex.
  • Hey! BlandMartha. Poison the Waterfords.
  • Mark it down. It’s the first time I have ever loved Luke. I may never again. Oh, and screw off, Nick.
  • Aunt Bitchbag loves the children. Doesn’t think much of women. But lerves her some berbers.
  • Diplomacy over, bitches. Serena’s face? I could bathe in her sadness and shame.
  • You had me until the God Bless America sing-a-long. Just… no. Stop it.
  • Look upon your closet of teal, and weep… thundercunt.
  • Poor Nick. Now you know June likes em tall, dark, and mildly Canadian.
The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E8 “Women’s Work” Hot Take Recap

The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E8 “Women’s Work” Hot Take Recap

  • The new normal disconcerts me heavily. Because this show has trained me to accept that anything that looks even CLOSE to normal, positive, or happy eventually leads to some awful comeuppance. So, night work with Serena Joy? I give it 3 more scenes before Lydia is giving June papercuts on her eyelids while the Cyclops Handmaid does a jig. Don’t like it? TOO BAD, SHOW. YOU DID THIS TO ME.
  • “I won’t forget this.” Riiiiight Serena. Does this mean you’ll let June see her daughter? FAT CHANCE.
  • Aww. Childbride made Voldefred a napkin. And as a topper? I think he’s kinky for June’s extra cushion for pushing. Vomit.
  • “Here. Let me regift you my music box to remind you that ultimately you’re my property.” Awww!
  • Poor Childwife. She doesn’t get that Nick is just a goth.
  • “You sound just like one of them.”… and THERE it is, kids. A fate worse than a taser to the tit.
  • Hooboy! Moral ambiguity?! Bend the law, you say?
  • The SNEER on that wife’s face when he one-handed hubby sided with Serena was AUDIBLE.
  • Oh, Aunt Bitchbag. Can there be a single episode without her?
  • SHE’S GOT A STETHOSCOPE! GET A GUN POINTED AT HER HEAD, STAT!
  • Meanwhile, in Sad Sack Manor… Voldefred goes on a panty raid? Vomit.
  • It’s like the baby… has lost… her will… to live. I just made a Star Wars Episode 3 reference. Now I feel sick.
  • This gimp-ass bearded impotent bastard is gonna whip his wife like a scolded child. How dare they make me feel bad for Serena. Who I need to remember not only helped launch Gilead… but knowingly choked June while pregnant. This has all better work out in the end… when Serena kicks Fred in the balls, literally to death. And then, downs a fistful of pills and vodka.
  • Childwife can’t be trusted.
  • You know what I just recognized? No real “poignant flashbacks” this episode. Funny, that.
  • I’m honestly amazed Fred didn’t just go ahead and play the Imperial March.
  • And June collapses on a compass. She doesn’t know what way to go. Touching.
  • So, a mother’s love brought a baby back from the brink of death. FUNNY, THAT. 
The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E7 “After” Hot Take Recap

The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E7 “After” Hot Take Recap

    • I took off Thanksgiving because I needed a break. So, to lighten my mental burden? I watched Get Out. Now I feel bad for being a man and white. Ahhhh.
    • “The world is a near post-apocalyptic nightmare. Make sure we spare no expense on wardrobe.”
    • I paused the stream to count. 31 dead. My first thought? It’s a start.
    • “I wish I could give you a world without violence.” BULLSHIT, BITCHBAG.
    • Seriously, how much of Handmaiden training is going over this pomp and circumstance? It took us 5 rehearsals to get graduation walking down.

via GIPHY

  • In the bus. “So, ladies. Who wants to play some bridge. Too soon?”
  • Damnit. Of course Voldefred is alive. And hey! It’s Nick in his Action-Jackson suit! Someone make me an action figure.
  • Oh Luke. Please compete with Nick for least-worthy of June. Please.
  • “Welcome to Handmaid school. Upon graduation, you’ll receive your work robes, death robes, and of course… your robes for Quidditch. Psyche! There’s no joy in Gilead, bitches.”
  • Suck it, soupbitch Martha. Commander Assface wants to have a private meeting with our hero.
  • Oh, dude. We absolutely cannot trust you. At all. At all at all. At all at all at all.
  • Wait. All soupbitches are “Martha”? Are all bitchbags “Lydia”? Who wrote the rules on this crazy ass town? Oh yeah. Serena Joy and Voldefred. Nevermind.
  • CAN PEOPLE SERIOUSLY STOP HOLDING JUNE BY HER FACE?!
  • I swear, Luke just makes me ill. Equally as ill as Nick, come to think of it. Both of them are literally too much. In that they are wasting oxygen. Smiling and/or brooding when they absolutely shouldn’t be.
  • So, they want us to just root for June and Moira to gay the everloving crap outta each other and make a NEW nation, right? Cause I’m shipping them so hard right now.
  • Nope. I have a six month old. That kid ain’t fresh enough for Moira’s vajayjay to be needing ice. Nice try, TV.
  • June’s eyeroll was audible. Also… What a promotion for ole’ One Eye and Road Rage!
  • Viva la revolution! I give it a week before they’re being whipped in the rain. Someone cue the whipping robes!
  • I don’t trust a damned thing Serena Joy says, does, or wants. Because, once again, she helped usher in this hilarious world of “legal” rape, torture, and kidnapping. But she’s giving June super secret documents and a pen. Is this like giving Dobby a sock? Or is this Serena’s “I’m Madame President now” Claire Underwooding?
The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E6 “First Blood” Hot Take Recap

The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E6 “First Blood” Hot Take Recap

  • Not going to lie. I sat down to watch tonight and thought “I totally don’t remember the big cliffhanger from last night.” and then a millisecond into the “previously on”, then remembered everything. Getting ice cream now.
  • “Mrs. Waterford… your baby is moving around in there!”— Oh blow it out your ass Dr. Fuckyourself.
  • I haven’t read the books, and I’m sure this would change the trajectory of so much, but I had a fleeting thought. If Nick had been black, and the baby came out beautifully mixed… the whole of Gilead would have to swallow that Fred’s loins are for crap. Of course that I say that NOW I imagine they’d raise THAT child in a locked tower. So, never mind. I’ll go back to my ice cream. I’m sorry, Aunt Lydia.
  • YEAH. MAKE ME SOME SOUP… BITCH.
  • So, they’re making a new larger center to subjugate women. Lovely. I can’t wait to see the all-marble rape rooms.
  • “Do you want to know the secret?” Sure, childwife. “I put pop rocks in them.” I DO love the guilt-ridden corpse face of Nick though.
  • I think I get it now. The show likes to make us think these are human beings, and THEN they remind us they are horrendous monsters who should be tazed in the face and kept on the brink of death and sanity for the remainder of their mortal lives.
  • June “Feels” back, with her scene in the kitchen with Freddy No-Sperm. But, I don’t get the angle. Yet.
  • “Just give it some time.”… you know, like until you’re legal? Like old enough to drink. Wait, sorry, we pause this joke for this interruption. SHE THINKS HE’S GAY!? Hahahahahahahaha.
  • So, run away for 90 days? Get choked nearly to death. Bleed from the  hoo-hah a bit too much? Free lunch for you and your friends! I can’t wait for the juicy gossip. “So, how did YOU get raped last month?”
  • So, infant mortality is what started all of this, eh? Who needs medical science, when you have God on your side! Too bad they didn’t fire a few more at her.
  • “I love you.” Oh, piss off, Nick. You have no idea what love is.
  • The thing is, Breaking Bad was evil, but behind it we saw the reasoning. Walter White was one man, who at his worst, was in it to benefit one man. And the drugs he made may have led to tons of death and badness. But again: he was one man. Serena Joy and all their ilk are a fricking nation formed under the guise of religion to make habitual rape and murder the norm. Being forced to see this much evil in every frame is maddening.
  • Do YOU feel guilt, shame, and remorse when YOU’RE having sex with underage girls at the threat of death? Well, say no more! Gilead-brand Fucksheets now come with glory hole and paper bag for her head.
  • “She wanted to see the child.” There it is, Serena. You’re soulless.
  • Oh, Fred. You’re making me regret the ice cream. I’m gonna be sick.
  • “You’ve been issued a women.”
  • “Blessed be the fruit.”, thanks, you 15 year old half-wit.
  • “Don’t you want to run a household, one day?” I think I’m gonna watch Serena get shot a few more times.
  •  Nevermind.
The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E5 ” Seeds” Hot Take Recap

The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E5 ” Seeds” Hot Take Recap

  • So, our opportune question here: is June broken? Burning the letters of her sisters-in-arms sure as hell sells that. Oh, and her dead eyed stare into our soul helps too.
  • I’d love for this to be a long con. But I can’t fathom that as a possibility. Sayonara, Marc’s hope!
  • Haha! Offred is musty.
  • If I didn’t know better, I’d say Serena Joy doesn’t like lobotomized June. That pleases me. Hell. If she was mildly constipated I’d be tickled, too.
  • Forgive me. If you’re in the slave labor camp… why live?
  • If June/Offred has miscarried, I think I’m gonna scream.
  • Gilead looks like Oak Park, Illinois. The people who live there are likely 10% less scary.
  • Baby Angela has some boogies. Oh, and her real mom is gone. But you know. Boogies.
  • Back from commercial and Offred is in a blood red bath. I seriously can’t tell now if there IS a problem, or we’re being duped. That the loss of self is causing some kind of hallucination?
  • Gilead seriously has some kind of fascination with ritual schtick. And like, it’s never once been anything short of super creepy as fuck.
  • Wait. Hold up. Are they giving the drivers some child-brides? I think I may vomit.
  • Because I still feel sick after the last scene, just hearing all the pick axes and shovels of the workers makes me think of the beginning of “Blazing Saddles” and now I’m sadder.
  • FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY SEE A DOCTOR, JUNE. This show is basically a horror show in slow motion. “Here. Be terrified for 13 episodes.” “Will someone die?” “By the time we’re done, you’ll sure hope so.”
  • I’m rooting for the baby to somehow be alive, because I want to see June remain alive. I know she’s our protagonist and that it’s unlikely she’d be taken from us. But that doesn’t take away the feelings.
  • SWEET JESUS JUNE IS ALIVE. And so is her half-dead-faced fetus.
The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E4 “Other Women” Hot Take Recap

The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E4 “Other Women” Hot Take Recap

  • Honestly have been dreading watching this all damn day. Even during the “Previously On” I can’t not scream into the void “WHY DID YOU RUN WITHOUT THINKING, JUNE!?” (I know she was, but, c’mon!)
  • Prized pigs. Trained rats. They don’t have complex feelings like you, dearie. Oh! It’s everyone’s favorite Bitchbag here with the best fashion from Milan.
  • I like the spunk, June. But, here I sit, and don’t see how she doesn’t just kill herself to spite the whole damn lot of them.
  • All I can do is think of ways for June to rebel. Poop on the floor is my leading desire at the moment.
  • FAKE NEWS!
  • “Praise be (we all know this ain’t your baby. This is Nick and my baby. So you’re not only rapists. You’re kidnappers!).”
  • For the love of all that is holy, Aunt Bitchbag, DROP THE ACT ALREADY!
  • Uhh. I don’t like even asking this… but, is Nick alive? Wait. Nevermind. One look on his useless dumb face and I’m once again through with him. Unless he straight up shoots everyone in the house, and then himself.
  • Oh. Yay! A complicit rapist baby shower book club. And we present you with an elephant! A symbol of the GOP who watches this show like porn.
  • Serena Joy is smoking while pregnant! IT’LL HURT THE BABY! Bitchbag gets 1 point.
  • Oh, hey. Arts and crafts time. This show sure loves its overly dramatic ceremonies. This is what happens when you don’t have TV, kids. On the plus side? Serena Joy is now symbolically tied to June. I hope she feels dirty.
  • And speaking of that. Let’s watch Mrs. Luke call June a whore in public. Fun times.
  • Serena has anger issues. Also? June is awesome. “Hey, teal-twat-rocket? I have a daughter, you barren ho.” #Savage
  • I quickly IMDB’d Fred Waterford because I literally kept thinking “He’s not Voldemort. I know that. But damn if he isn’t close.”
  • Aunt Lydia thinks she’s doing good. All villains do.
  • Offred needs to hurl Aunt Bitchbag into the river. There’s not a punishment mean enough for her.
  • 2 to 1 odds Serena is about to hobble June. Wait! No. False alarm. Just insane baby envy. Psychotic baby envy.
  • A sanded door jamb, and a final scene to twist the knife in her past. This feels like “The Empire Strikes Back”. Not in the “this was nuanced and amazing!” way, no. In that “there’s literally no hope left in my soul” way.
The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E3 “Baggage” Hot Take Recap

The Handmaid’s Tale: S2E3 “Baggage” Hot Take Recap

  • Episode 3. Here we go! June getting her fitness-montage on, eh. I’m fighting HARD to smile. Because this show has taught me that joy is temporary and should be stamped into oblivion.
  • Meanwhile in Canada, it’s America’s favorite ex-pat sitcom… Moira, Dweebus, and the Mute!
  • Young June at the rally/protest… Ahhh. There’s that gut-bomb of social-relevance that makes me think about Trump. So. Barf.
  • I just realized if Nick was played by Colin Hanks, I’d feel safer for June.
  • “Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?”… Neither! I’m a sandwich! (Not a note. I just always wanted to work this into an article.)
  • If skittish black driver would just USE HIS WORDS to explain why he’s trying to abandon June, it’d sure help me understand wtf is going on.
  • 18 minutes in, and we’ve yet to see an actual Handmaid, Commander, Aunt Bitchbag, or anything cruel and evil (aside from “the world” of course). This is like a weird reverse bottle episode.
  • “Under his eye.” JUNE, WHY?! I mean, she can’t believe in that bullshit. Why SPOUT IT??!!
  • Listen, judgemental bitch. YOU try getting raped monthly under threat of death and harm to your actual child , and try being HOLIER THAN THOU.
  • OK, so we are in Gilead now? And I’m thinking maybe it’s Sunday? Church time? And now I’m thinking “Are Jews persecuted here?”. Sigh.
  • So. June’s mom is an unloved bitch. Cool, cool, cool.
  • They’re Muslim (I think)?
  • 34:20 in, and there’s my previous Bitchbag. And damn, I’d peg June’s mom as a suicide bomber against Gilead, not a field worker. Or did I just imagine seeing that.
  • OK. June. June? June. This is the kind of shit people yell at the movie screen for. DON’T DO THIS. Please! Also. Where the hell is dead-eyed Nick? I’m guessing Gilead ain’t got no phones, but still. Dude. Check on yo’ baby mama, right? JUNE STOP LOOKING AT THE GUARDS. JUNE.
  • June, seriously. If you don’t shut up, I’mma scream.
  • “She left me once, and now I have to leave her.” … I’m not sure who she’s referring to. Her mother? Hannah? Both?
  • Truly curious what June’s specific end-game is at this point. Make it to the border? Live in the wilderness?
  • We now bring you back to “Moira, Dweebus, and the Mute”… “Blessed be the Froot Loops?” SHE NAILED THE PUNCHLINE! Queue the title card and credits.
  • So… all the drivers are Eyes. And the Eyes are good? I STILL DO NOT TRUST THIS AT (the fuck) ALL. June, I give you permission to kick driver until he dead.
  • Oh, mom. You ain’t no Hollaback Girl. You a slave, now.
  • As much as I wanted to be like “I told you so…”… I can’t. Damn it all to hell.

The Handmaid’s Tale S2E2: “Unwomen” Hot Take Recap

  • “There probably is no out”. And there it is kids. Season over!
  • This is like Walter White’s vacation in the great white north. Except Robert Forster is just an old handyman. And June isn’t a meth kingpin. OK, this is nothing like Breaking Bad. Shut up.
  • OK, the Handyman’s “After a while, crocodile” sold me. He’s my new god.
  • Seriously. Are all college classes in TV and Movies either COMPLETELY CHOCKED FULL or sparsely filled by nerds and assholes?
  • ACK! TWISTY THE CLOWN! Err. Wait. No… Just another railroaded liberal. And a GAY one to boot!
  • A lot of world building this episode. Figuratively and literally.
  • A requiem for a newspaper. A 1 act play wherein June mourns the written word, the dead, and decides to publish her own zine. (If I don’t make my own jokes here, I’m going to go insane of sadness.)
  • “You and our baby”. Vomit, Nick. But hey. He gave her a gun!
  • I’m sorry. Two guns. I’m starting to feel bad for actual husband. Sorta. He’s a bit of a dweeb. I’m stalling while the dead-eyed weirdo boinks the pregnant chick. I’m hella-uncomfortable.
  • Sweet Christmas. That’s enough with the freeing sex, kids!
  • It’s just my Hulu, but the first ad after all that sex was for White Castle, and I seriously vurped.
  • So how does one get to be a cattle prodder? “Well, in my other life, I worked at the DMV.” SOLD!
  • An MFA in interior design? It’s JUST as useful working in the wasteland.
  • Somewhere, a Trump supporter watching this show has a hard-on when they deny the marriage license of a gay couple that is “no longer recognized”. And I’d like THAT person to be sent to the wasteland.
  • OH DAYUM, GINA. College Prof gots lady balls. Suck it, house frau!
  • If I lived in this world, and had faith previously? It hath been smoted by meow.

Handmaid’s Tale S2E1 “June” Hot Take Recap

(all these thoughts are made chronologically as I “enjoy” the episode)

  • I just made myself a bowl of ice cream prior to hitting play, because I’m going to occasionally need to be reminded that joy does indeed exist in the world still.
  • I just finished the recap. I’m glad I added cookies to my ice cream. Also “Trust me.” No, Nick. I do not trust you. You were an out of work loser ass-bag in the before-time. So, no.
  • They KNOW she’s preggers, right? That should give us SOME feeling of safety for June, right?
  • STOPPED at 6:56 to take a breath. I mean, I get it. They have work to do, and apparently fast. But, like, wouldn’t it be just as easy to march down the handmaids who are going to be hung in a neat and orderly line, without all the rush-rush-rush? Time is money, sure. But Gilead don’t have no money! ALSO… They have folks hung like ornaments all over the place. If they need to murder you, they literally have rifles. This seems like WWE levels of idiocy.
  • OH FUCK YOU, SHOW.
  • Die Aunt Lydia. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. (Each ‘Die’ comes for a separate bit during the show.)
  • Why did we have another kid? Cause Fuck the Patriarchy! Great reason, millennials.
  • “How did Ofmike get such beefy biceps? That bitch-bag made her stand outside with a rock in her hand for 3 hours, and she’s got 24″ pythons now, brother!”
  • I’m glad I finished my ice cream ahead of the live burning. Aunt Lydia needs to be murdered. By an army of savage children all singing “Our God is an Awesome God.”
  • I don’t know who this nurse/social worker is, but I think Aunt Lydia must have been cloned. Also? I hate her.
  • I know that silhouette anywhere. Hello Mrs. Twatface! Also? “Don’t get so mad, Serena. It’d be bad for the baby?” Cue that gif of the kids all going OH!!!!!”
  • Nice try show. I’m not going to believe June’s getting out of this hospital! I bet this is just more theatrics! (He says, silently praying Mayday is gonna get her out of this, and full well knowing NOT on episode 1 of the 2nd season).
  • WAIT! WHAT!? Don’t make me have hope, show. I still don’t trust Nick!
  • Haha! Fuck you, red frock! Also… SWEET CHRISTMAS, WOULDN’T NICK KNOW AN EASIER WAY TO REMOVE THE TAG!? I’m going to be sick.