Tag: Putin

As Is: Bringing The War Home

Responding to a query in Parliament yesterday asking why the United Kingdom has massed over 285,000 troops along the United States / Canada border, Prime Minister Boris Johnson told the MPs “Well, Her Majesty and I were having a nice tea-time chat up in the Palace and we got around to that kerfuffle over in Ukraine. It occurred to us that perhaps Mr. Putin has a good point.

“Therefore, we have decided to follow in Mr. Putin’s footsteps and reclaim our colonies, beginning with the United States. We’ve never truly acknowledged any so-called right to be independent, either in the rebel States or, for that matter, in India or the Caribbean.

“We’re starting with the colonies because of our strong common heritage,” Prime Minister Johnson continued. “The frontierspeople west of the Atlantic pond continue to speak the Queen’s tongue, which clearly shows were their loyalties lay. The British legal system which dates back to Anglo-Saxon times remains the backbone of colonial law. In fact, the colonial subjects continue to employ the British weights and measurements that were in effect in 1776, even though much of the rest of the world went metric during the final years of the last millennium.

“Clearly, the colonial rebels are much more faithful at holding on to British traditions than we are,” Johnson noted.

“Of course, Great Britain is a nuclear power but there’s no need to dwell on that at this time. We expect the stalwart subjects of Her Majesty will welcome us with cheers, baked goods, warm lager and boiled beef,” the PM concluded.

This threat comes at a critical time for both Canadians and American colonists as this is maple syrup season. If the border is closed, Americans will have little to put on their waffles other than chicken fat. On the other hand, if Great Britain dumps all of Canada’s unsold syrup into Niagara Falls, they can set global tourism back several centuries.

The French have yet to comment in public, but it is believed they have been in deep talks with the Quebecois in and around Montreal. However, the Gaullists have been on record since the 1970s that they may decide to use their nuclear arsenal first in order to maintain its security and interests.

Independent American senator Bernie Sanders responded “there is a silver lining here, as at last American citizens will be covered by a national health system. It’s not perfect, of course, but it’s better than dying in the gutter with Josh Hawley pissing on you.”

As of this writing, the only American official who has gone on record is Congressfool Marjorie Taylor Greene, who stated “if this so-called Queen and her enslaved stormtroopers think they can push real Christian Americans around, they’ve got another think coming. They’re all a bunch of homosexuals anyway, so we know God isn’t on their side. He hates the damn Brits. Even Hitler agreed. I’m calling for an immediate embargo on Yorkshire pudding, which can invigorate their Jewish space lasers.

In response, Russian Emperor Vlad Putin issued an imperial smirk and returned with his cat to the horse he rode in on.

As Is: Stamp Collecting In Ukraine

When I was a kid, I collected stamps. This was worthy as it exacerbated my study of American history and culture and helped make me the wanton hoarder I am today.

I suspect that’s no longer a big deal with kids today, given the fact that I used to know of about a dozen walk-in stamp collectors stores back in the day and only one of them remain today, and that one seems to be devoted to underpaying desperate people for their family jewels. But, maybe, just maybe, people are still into stamp collecting in Ukraine.

Those folks may be (well, most certainly are) outgunned, outmanned, and outraged, but they have not lost their sense of humor. According to The Guardian, the government decided to issue a “go fuck yourself, Russian warship” postage stamp.

No kidding.

For those who came in late, a few weeks ago the Russians challenged the Ukrainians at Snake Island in the Black Sea. The audio transcript reads thusly:

Russians: This is a Russian warship. I propose you lay down arms and surrender to avoid bloodshed and unnecessary victims. Otherwise, you’ll be bombed.

Ukrainians: Russian warship, go fuck yourself.

According to published reports, the Russians declined that request and slaughtered the Ukrainians. The trade magazine Maritime Executive reports the Russian navy is reported to have bombarded the island with deck guns before sending their soldiers to take control and those chiropractically-challenged Ukrainians were killed. Since then, some doubt has been cast on this latter event and there has been no confirmation either way. When David faces Goliath, hope must reign supreme.

I’m not even certain Ukraine has the ability to print stamps – at least, not in Ukraine. I’m less certain they have a functioning post office, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they had something. After all, this is the nation that last week told its citizens that if they capture or claim a Russian tank, they don’t have to declare it on their taxes.

Yes, folks, Jewish comedians should run all former Soviet bloc nations. Americans need not worry; Jews will not replace the government… unless you’re one of those astonishingly deaf, dumb and blind right-wingers who believe Jews already run all governments and banks. Obviously, that can’t be true.

But if Ukraine does fall Zelensky becomes a martyr, the rest of the world does the right thing and Putin dies on Snake Island, the Ukrainians will return to what’s left of their homes and rebuild.

Given their gift for humor, they might want to rename the place “Freedonia.”

As Is: Evil Is As Evil Does

As Is: Evil Is As Evil Does

I remember the Cuban Missile Crisis quite clearly. A year before the assassination of President Kennedy and two years before Premier Khrushchev’s ouster, it was an extremely scary time. I was a politically precocious twelve-year old. Little did we know what was ahead of us.

The global response to Vlad Putin’s war on the former USSR occupied nations has been quite hopeful, and the response inside Ukraine has been truly inspirational. America should take note and elect a genuine Jewish comedian as president.

The domestic response has been rather quiet. It’s clear most Americans are far more concerned with an increase in gas prices than they are with World War III. This is not surprising, but it is truly disgusting. Do our greedy self-centered very stupid fellow citizens think Putin was just Trumping around when he threatened nuclear war — twice in one week? Do these greedy self-centered very stupid fellow citizens not remember how Hitler invaded Poland under the same pretext, and how Russian premier Joe Stalin joined Hitler in that endeavor two weeks later?

We live in a nation of Elmer Fudds, and I don’t think we have what it takes to become a bunch of Bugs Bunnys.

We don’t want to think Putin will nuke anybody, but even some of his pals have come out and said Putie has lost his mind. This is an attitude that is prerequisite to starting a nuclear war. Let us recall the days when he (evidently) still had his mind; even then, his pressing the Big Red Button wasn’t outside the realm of possibility. Putin does not want to restore the Soviet Union. Too many Americans still think “Russia” is synonymous with Communism; it is not. Today, the Russian Republic is synonymous with Putin, and Putin is synonymous with Stalin. Joe Stalin wasn’t a Communist. Joe Stalin was a Stalinist.

And what makes our indigenous morons think that Putin will stop with Ukraine? Or Kazakhstan? Or Lithuania? Or Georgia? Or Poland? Or Finland, or Sweden? These days Santayana makes Einstein look like a dimwit.

Putin is counting on the Trumpsters regaining Congress and then the sanctions will go away and he can climax his dictatorial wet dreams. He may be right about that. We’ve got to Bin Laden him immediately and keep the bigoted anti-democratic Republican party away from his oligarchs and their massive mountains of money.

It’s true that many of the Russian people have taken on great risk by speaking out and demonstrating against Putin, and these are very, very courageous people. True heroes. Please remember he’s got the job until 2036, he’s got the military, he’s certainly got the money and he’s got enough nukes to keep Ernst Blofeld up nights.

It is high time we ended the menace of Vlad Putin and his gaseous oligarchs. As Putin keeps on telling us, the alternative could very well be a whole lotta mushroom clouds. That’s not a risk worth taking. Ever.

Back in the days if the Cuban Missile Crisis, we saved the planet by cutting a deal with Nikita Khrushchev: we removed our nukes from Turkey and he removed his nukes from Cuba. Vlad Putin is not as reasonable as Khrushchev.

Weird Scenes Inside the Gold Mind  #101 — Everyday Surrealism

Weird Scenes Inside the Gold Mind #101 — Everyday Surrealism

There’s danger on the edge of town / Ride the King’s highway, baby / Weird scenes inside the gold mine / Ride the highway west, baby — The End, written by The Doors, 1967

As I walked upstairs to my Scribbler’s Sanctorum to write these words, I noticed daughter was watching a hockey game. That’s hardly unusual in this house; both of us are hockey fans and unless otherwise occupied we will watch any game that has a puck and a dearth of New York Rangers fans. But instead of nodding my head in regret, I was thinking of how surreal our times have become.

I do not believe we have ever had the privilege of watching the Stanley Cup playoff games in the middle of a workday afternoon. I’m pretty damned certain we never had new playoff games aired live in August. Hockey in the height of summer just feels wrong. To be fair, so does a team in Las Vegas, where it is (as I type) 106°. And I know for a fact that the Las Vegas Golden Knights, who dress like Doctor Fate on stakes, beat the Chicago Blackhawks Tuesday night. Las Vegas, very hot. Chicago, very cold. The only thing we’re missing here is Porky Pig’s landing at Wackyland. Continue reading “Weird Scenes Inside the Gold Mind #101 — Everyday Surrealism”

Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind #068: History Looks Forward

Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind #068: History Looks Forward

I blow through here / The music goes ’round and around / Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho / And it comes out here • Red Hodgson. 1935

The adage “history is written by the victors” is attributed to Winston Churchill, although there is no evidence he ever said or wrote that. Perhaps the more appropriate axiom is “History is bunk,” uttered by Thomas Edison in a 1916 Chicago Tribune interview. A loathsome man and a first-class bigot, Edison said:

“… what do I care about Napoleon? What do we care about what they did 500 or 1,000 years ago? I don’t know whether Napoleon did or did not try to get across and I don’t care. It means nothing to me. History is more or less bunk. It’s tradition. We don’t want tradition. We want to live in the present and the only history that is worth a tinker’s dam is the history we make today.”

We’ve always been surrounded by bunk. I’m a history buff, but I’m also a science-fiction fan and, often, it is hard to tell the difference. The problem is, today’s omnipresent instant communications means these days bullshit travels at the speed of light. But the yin to that yang is that the victors no longer have an exclusive on history-writing, no matter who first said history was controlled by the winners. By the way, to my research, that was India freedom fighter Jawaharlal Nehru.

We have cameras on our cellphones that record on-the-street reality. We have podcasts and blogs. We have much, much greater access to documentaries and to historical records. Of course, the problem remains discerning the truth from the bullshit while divining the trajectory of everybody’s point of view. This is nothing new, but if you’re good at using search engines, you have enough patience and determination and a hankering for facts you will probably get closer to the truth now than ever before.

Which brings us to Donald J. Trump. Continue reading “Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind #068: History Looks Forward”

Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind #063: Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss

Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind #063: Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss

I’ll move myself and my family aside / If we happen to be left half alive / I’ll get all my papers and smile at the sky / For I know that the hypnotized never lie / DO YA? – Pete Townshend, “Won’t Get Fooled Again”

Why are we doing this? Well, I believe there is one very good reason.

The impeachment process formally started yesterday. Over the next couple weeks, a slew of highly respectable and well-credentialed witnesses will put their life savings, their careers and their family’s safety on the line in the esteemed names of truth and patriotism. The professional ass-lickers will call them a bunch of names and give shade to snark. Um tut sut.

When all is said and done, what will happen next will be what we all knew would happen. The House, under near-exclusive party line votes, will vote to impeach the traitor in the White House. Then the Senate, under near-exclusive party line votes, will vote to acquit. There’s no “vote to exonerate” option, so nobody on either side will get to score a rhetorical victory – although, unfortunately, that won’t stop anyone from proselytizing. Continue reading “Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind #063: Meet The New Boss, Same As The Old Boss”

Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind #051: The Orange President and his Judenrätes

Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind #051: The Orange President and his Judenrätes

At long last, the Orange Skull said something with which I agree. Last week he said, “It’s not the gun that pulls the trigger — it’s the person holding the gun

Damn straight, President Pond Scum! I’ve been saying this for decades: It’s not guns that kill, it’s gun owners who kill. Sometimes they kill for good reason. Sometimes they just kill themselves. Sometimes they shoot their dicks off. The Bigot-in-Chief says these people are suffering from mental health issues.

This raises a question. How many people do you have to murder for your work is regarded as that of a madman? Nine? Four? Two?? Continue reading “Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind #051: The Orange President and his Judenrätes”