So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #035: WTFWWE

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #035: WTFWWE

As warned last week, I’m gonna get knee-deep in some WWE opinionatin’. Strap in, slapnuts, we’re about to break it down.

Wrestlemania (35, but who’s counting) was a sordid affair that outstayed its welcome by a little over 2 hours. The never-ending pay-per-view delivered one match for the ages (Daniel Bryan vs. Kofi Kingston), a few we’ll certainly remember (Brock Lesner being taken to dick-punch-city losing to Seth Friggin’ Rollins and Becky Lynch kicking ass and chewing bubblegum), and the rest a mostly-forgettable mash of who-cares. Following Mania came the always-odd RAW and Smackdown post-shows; each delivering their fair share of follow-up angles, new debuts, and ultimately (a week later), a pair of “superstar shake-up” episodes to reset the rosters and kickstart the next year of programming. Rather than figure a way to create a single cohesive thesis to tie my waning thoughts about all the back-and-forths… I figure it behooves me to listicle out each errant bon mot and wax poetic before moving on. Allez cuisine!  Continue reading “So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #035: WTFWWE”

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #034: End Game

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #034: End Game

Sup, nerds. I know I’ve been away for a tic, but you’ll forgive me right? I changed day jobs — and I’m sure you’d love to know all about that — and it put me in Austin last week. But I’m back in the saddle here in my newly upgraded Man-Cave/Actual-Adult-Office and ready to populate your brainstems with pop-culture thoughts and prayers.

I could wax poetic on Wrestlemania and the subsequent superstar shake-ups, but I’m saving that until next week. You’ve been warned. I could compare and contrast Captain Marvel to Shazam, but frankly it’d wind up being very mean to Shazam — because comparing the two flicks would be akin to comparing a fine meal at an upscale farm-to-table fast-casual restaurant… and Arby’s. I could detail my recent love affair with the binge-worthy Santa Clarita Diet but I just started season 3, and I don’t want 100 people to spoil things for me.

So, what does that leave me? Oh, how about the whole reason I have a column here in the first place? Independent comic bookery!

At the tail end of March, Unshaven Comics (my lil studio, don’t cha know) had a decent showing at the annual C2E2 comic con in our “home” city of Chicago. The con itself was plenty enjoyable. Our neighbors on both sides were fun, genial, and downright friendly. Our friends and fans came out in droves to give us well wishes and high fives. I personally minted a minor fortune (see also: gas and food money for a whopping 2 weeks, baby!) selling my PokeVengers cards. Please don’t alert The Pokemon Authority I’m making parody art. The best thing to come out our con experience though, was a sobering declaration. Continue reading “So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #034: End Game”

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #032: The Best of the Worst!

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #032: The Best of the Worst!

If you need a gentle refresher as to my rules of these here listicles? Well then, partner… check out part one. Assuming you did and have come back? Welcome to my evil lair!

When it comes to the cream of the evil crop, I fretted feverishly over my particular placements. But after much deliberation, hung upside-down in an elaborate death trap? I feel like I’ve come to a sound conclusion. No further preamble needed; let’s get down to the best of the worst.

5. Danny DeVito/Penguin, Michelle Pfeiffer/Catwoman — Batman Returns

Batman’s rogue gallery is hands down the best collection of wackos, nutbars, psychopaths, and ne’er-do-wells in comics. But how does one top Jack Nicholson’s turn as the clown prince of crime in 1989’s masterpiece, Batman? Well, you double the villainy!

To be clear: Batman Returns isn’t anywhere near as good as the original. It’s crammed from gills to gonads with odd set-pieces, unnecessary angst, and a third act more bloated than Danny DeVito’s Oswald Cobblepot by several orders of magnitude. But those gripes apart, I can say nary a bad word for either DeVito’s Penguin or Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman.

With the aforementioned aviary-under-dweller, we are given a true freak turn on the classic Bat-villain. And rather than give us an elitist with a foul face, Tim Burton gifts us with a mutated face-biter— with a short temper and a predilection for biblical crimes by way of weaponized wildlife. It’s so far of left field from the original source material that I should dock points, but I’d be lying if I said that should matter given the sum of the parts. Oswald is tragic, black-hearted, and unforgettable.

Selina Kyle travels from sad-eyed secretary to a one-woman advertisement for BDSM across Returns. And with her rise from mouse to cat, she encapsulates the spirit of the character from the pages of Batman comics, with an original spin that hasn’t been bettered by any incarnation since. Catwoman vexes Bruce Wayne, and climbs across the scenery of the movie with the superhuman grace that could only be bestowed by super-powered mystical cat-resuscitation.

4. Michael B. Jordan / Killmonger — Black Panther

There’s so much to like in Black Panther. From the amazing visuals — like the sprawling vistas of Wakanda or the purple-tinted visits to the spirit world — straight through to the actual story of the movie… there’s no doubt in my mind why it was nominated for so many awards this past year.

But what should not be overlooked here is the performance and character of Killmonger, as presented by Michael B. Jordan. He is the fulcrum by which the movie rises above the rest of the comic movies to date. In Jordan’s portrayal, we are given a sympathetic villain whose methods and desires are rooted in an injustice we can almost side with. He’s a hardliner strategist looking for vindication and retribution for the sins of the past. That he not only bests T’Challa in wade-pool combat, but then immediately sets out to change Wakanda without monologuing his way into the throne is a boon of storytelling that Jordan presents coolly across the film. Simply put? He’s amazing, and makes each scene he’s in better.

3. Nick Stahl/Roark Jr. (Yellow Bastard) — Sin City

I recognized as I traveled up this list a need for a pure villain. Someone whose chaotic malice comes from the worst corners of humanity. And no one stepped up to the plate better to me then Nick Stahl as that Yellow Bastard. Underneath layers of perfectly comic-proportioned prosthetics, Stahl is still able to seethe, and make us cringe. With his false-bravado played against Frank Miller’s adapted noir dialogue… I dare say no villain on this list better represents a direct line from the paper he was printed on.

2. Michael Fassbender / Magneto — X-men First Class

Ian McKellen’s take on the mutant master of magnetism was a rare(ish) case of the actor being seen above the role as presented on screen. The gravitas played against Patrick Stewart’s Professor X made both leads in the the Singer-born X-men films feel more or less like brilliant stunt-casting. Two scene-stealers doing Summer Stock for shits and giggles.

I say this to contrast with Michael Fassbender’s take on the same villain in the First Class precursor to the aforementioned film. The portrayal in First Class feels worn-in, in the best way. Whereas McKellen’s Erik Lehnsherr floats above the crowds and looks down on the world through weary eyes… Fassbender presented a Magneto with the same elitism underneath a total disdain for human life. Look no further than his understated uttering of “…perfection” at the visage of an azure Mystique. Simply put, Fassbender made me feel Magneto’s pain, and understand his violent mission. While neither Magnetos would be given good sequels to further explore being the de facto nemesis to the X-men properly… I believe Michael Fassbender brought the powerful profligate of polarity to screen as close to perfect as one might want.

1. Heath Ledger / The Joker — The Dark Knight

Is there really an argument to be made here? What more can I add the litany of words drowning on the internet regarding Heath Ledger’s immersion as the most recognized villain in all of comic bookery? From his weird ambiguous voice, to the specific presentation of his well-staged chaotic lessons to the Gothamites in his way, the Joker of The Dark Knight is the standard by which any actor should study under when trying to own the films they terrorize. His Joker was a threat that couldn’t be punched harder to defeat. His actions spoke louder than his words, and rather than chew the scenery, Ledger sunk into it. He was a product of this realistic world. Somehow, he made the audience laugh at the improbability of a man fighting crime as a bat… through a Glasgow smile and greasepaint. That it was The Dark Knight‘s Joker that made me forget I was watching a comic book movie and just a great crime drama tips the scales above any other actor’s turn to the dark side. Except for…

Supreme Mark Hamill / The Joker — Batman, the Animated Series

And since it’s my rules kiddos, we’re going to just jump the shark to offer the singular performance that eclipses Ledger’s Joker; that of Mark Hamill’s portrayal of the crown prince of crime. Close your eyes, and imagine the Joker speaking. It’s Mark Hamill. And if it’s not? You’re doing a disservice to your subconscious.

From the sing-songy laugh that can ooze down, and spike up chaotically with a flip of a vocal chord, to the graveling grousing from being foiled again… Mark Hamill owns the Joker. Everyone else truly is just renting it. And no other actor or actress holds a candle to the inferno that Hamill represents as the comic book villain.

 

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #031: The Best of the Worst!

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #031: The Best of the Worst!

What’s good about writing these listicles is that I’m able to cover a ton of ground in a short(ish) amount of time. As such, I’ve covered the worst of the worst when it comes to comic book movie villainy. It stands then, that I should swing the pendulum the other way to detail my favorite ne’er-do-wells of cinematic comic bookery, right? Well, once again, you don’t have a say.

The Rules: Much like last time, when I formed this ranking, I took into account a few criteria. I’m covering only the main antagonist of comic book films starting from 1978’s Superman. I look to the actual performance/portrayal. Did I believe I was watching a character or just a good actor chewing the scenery?  I also like to compare the on-screen portrayal against the origins of the on-paper version of the character — where I like to see a positive convergence of the tentpoles of a given wrongdoer from their pulpy origins emboldened by the advantages offered by the silver screen. Beyond those basics, I always look towards the actual fights/schemes/plans that pair the main villain against his or her nemesis (those stupid super heroes everyone loves so much). I really like to see both the savagery and the sorcery, if you will, of the baddie being bad.

Here then, are my picks. Damn the innocent.

  1. Michael Keaton / The Vulture — Spider-Man: Homecoming

Straight out of the gate, I’ll admit I wanted to put Mr. Keaton higher on the list. Spider-Man: Homecoming was really mostly a vehicle for Tom Holland’s pitch-perfect friendly neighborhood wall-crawler. But it was because of this, Keaton’s Adrian Toomes is such a delight. Choosing to lean into his lower register (but not freaky Birdman range, thankfully) and sinister sneers, Vulture in Homecoming is an understated nemesis. What earns him a spot on my list, more than anything, is the intelligent plotting and drive of Toomes. Unburdened with the whole anti-aging pseudo-science of the original source material, we get a villain who truly had proper motivation. In the wake of The Avengers here was a man screwed out of his livelihood by super-situations beyond his control. Michael Keaton delivers an intelligent and calculating villain who (versus many on this list) see his nemesis as a nuisance — meant to be dealt with, not obsessed over — with the sound mind to take what he sees as rightfully his. Even if he’s in the wrong. And simply put? The driving-to-prom scene alone was worth putting Michael Keaton on this list.

  1. Tom Hiddleston / Loki — The Avengers

I can hear several fangirls already sharpening blades over the low placing of Tom Hiddleston on my list. But I’ll say my peace and accept my fate. Specifically in The Avengers, Loki is at his most evil (saving Thor, which while good, pales in comparison to him here) — setting the Avengers up to fail at every turn. What sells Loki most to me, and what earns his spot here on my list, are his scenes opposite any Avenger, save his brother. Hiddleston’s portrayal of an Asgardian is as it should be: noble, godly, and aloof. In the face of Black Widow, Captain America, Hawkeye, and Iron Man… he sees himself a god. And while yes, he gets punched, repulsor-blasted, arrow-detonated, and Hulk-smashed… he never loses his edge. As means to the ends of Thanos, Loki more than holds his weight as the singular villain (plus an army of disposable CGI) in a film choked to the edges of the screen with heroic talent. Whereas Justice League gave us disposably-generic… Avengers gave us coldly-unforgettable.

  1. Jason Lee / Syndrome — The Incredibles

I dare anyone reading this to tell me I’m not allowed to include a non-comic-canon character who is animated to boot on this list. Because they’d lose their argument when considering Jason Lee’s Incrediboy-turned-Big-Bad. From his calculated efforts to capture Mr. Incredible, to his sadistic decree to destroy a plane that had just announced it had children aboard it… Syndrome is the arcitype of villainy personified. Lee’s vocal talents perfectly paint the picture of a broken-hearted would-be sidekick who chooses a dark-path due to disappointment. And as the grown-up nemesis to the Parr family, his invention-driven path-of-destruction comes both as no surprise, and nearly flawless in execution. If he’d only chosen not to don a cape…

  1. Josh Brolin / Thanos — Avengers: Infinity War

While many will continue to meme the purple rock-collector until Endgame… few could argue that the portrayal of the Mad Titan built up over ten-plus films could have been handled much better. Brolin’s calm, weighty performance— perfectly rotoscoped into his hulking CGI frame — quickly establishes his villain we should all fear from the cold open. Without aid of even a single Infinity Stone, Thanos dispatches the Incredible Hulk with the meticulous devastation of a seasoned MMA fighter. We watch in awe and agony as Banner’s never-over-powered angry-half is pummeled into submission. And this is all before Thanos marches slowly across the cosmos to collect his shiny rocks, and snaps away half the beings of the universe. That he joins nearly no other villains in the “actually succeeded in my evil plan” club, and retires to his weird space farm to live in peace afterwards is the dusty icing on a bitter cake. As close to the source as we were ever going to get… all completed with a performance I couldn’t recast to save Peter Parker’s desperate life.

  1. Alfred Molina / Doctor Octopus — Spider-Man 2

“The power of the sun, in the palm of my hand.” So sayeth Otto Octavious. On page, Doc Oc is often a morty lame duck of a villain — save perhaps his superior run as the Spider-Man himself. But in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 2, he is as he should be: mild-mannered, with an undercurrent of resentment and determination. Alfred Molina disappears into the role; becoming a would-be father figure to Peter Parker, a loving husband to his wife Rosalie, and a frustrated scientist under the knuckle of a rich brat. That his over-zealous excitement to complete his project eventually causes him to abandon reason to see his work be finalized cements him as a villain whose motivations we can accept (if not agree with, obviously). The only misstep to the portrayal (and not Molina’s fault by any means) we get a bit of a worthless subplot revolving around his additional appendages perhaps being sentient. Beyond that though, Spider-Man 2 remains one of the best superhero movies of all time… because in this case our villain cements the journey our hero must make by the end of the film. And that’s far more powerful than a CGI super-nova being cradled by Larry, Harry, Flo, and Moe.

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #030: The Absolute Worst (PART 2!)

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #030: The Absolute Worst (PART 2!)

Last week, I detailed half of my “all time worst” villain portrayals in comic book movies. No one attempted to fight me… yet. So, let’s roll the dice and do it twice! Here’s my top five all time awful comic book villains as portrayed on film.

And in case you missed last week? Well, sucks to be you. Loser. Read it here. (Sorry, normally I’m a pretty happy guy. This list just frustrated the bejesus out of me. And I don’t take that lightly. Jewish dudes love Bejesus.)

5. Jamie Foxx / Electro — The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Jamie Foxx, after proving his acting chops across the board with amazing performances in flicks like Ray, Collateral, and Django: Unchained was largely met with fanboy glee at the prospect of de-morting an often mostly goofy Spider-baddie. But, by the looks of it, Foxx showed up to set having accidently time-traveled directly off the set of In Living Color. Take the nebbishy grease stain of Jim Carrey as the Riddler, combine it with the mumbling/grumbling nuance of Tyler Mane as Sabertooth, and then drown it in incoherent CGI, and poof: Blacklectro. Foxx’s take adheres closer to the Ultimate version of the villain — which is a smart choice. But his distorted digitized growl, and third-act “death by dubstep” set piece was so dreadful (especially when paired with yet-another-what-the-hell appearance by the Green Goblin) it axed the whole Sinister Six franchise. I’d be sad about it, but Tom Holland is a superior Spider-Man, and Michael Keaton’s Vulture is one of my favorite adaptations of a villain to date. So, suck on those watts, Foxxie.

 

4. Oscar Isaac / Apocalypse — X-Men: Apocalypse

Speaking of weird blue CGI-mashed up wastes of time, we land on generically brown enough to give us points in diversity, Oscar Isaaac. On loan from the Star Wars universe, to take a big azure dump on another X-villain, Isaac’s En Sabah Nur en sucks nuts. With a costume that immediately drew comparison to Power Ranger’s Ivan Ooze, and a performance that frankly makes me sleepy even thinking about it, this version of Apocalypse managed to mangle a decent follow-up franchise to the original Bryan “Now Pen Pals with Kevin Spacey” Singer directed. Isaac underplays a villain who is mostly known to only speak in yelling in the comic series. And he’s given no favors throughout the film, as his misplaced accent-by-way-of-whatever-the-fuck-sounds-ethnic-ish delivers wet-fart after wet-fart throughout the film. Whether it was a bad script, bad costume, bad effects, or a little bit of all of it… by the end of X-Men: Apocalypse all I could hope for was a quick nuclear Armageddon so-as to not tip off future aliens discovering our remains the thought that this was how we were entertained.

 

3. Arnold Schwarzenegger / Mr. Freeze — Batman & Robin

Ahhhnold’s portrayal of the ice-hearted Victor Fries is brought to us by the same team that ruined the Riddler and Two-Face… and ups the ante to go gayer. Like, To Wong Foo levels of gay. With comedic pun-powers by way of Shecky Greenberg and the Borscht Belt Review. Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze is repetitious rapscallion whose only duty on set was to don whatever BDSM costume director Joel Schumacher was jonesing to see that day, and read off 5-10 cold-based puns the writers room from the Larry Sanders Show threw out from the night before.  Then, Joel would yell “Cut!”, the production crew would spirit gum icicles from It’s a Small World’s Antarctica on to pieces of the set and extras, and they’d roll camera just in time for Mr. Olympia himself to stare directly down to lens to a pant-less Schumacher before exclaiming “Ice to see you.”

Compare this to chilling voicework of Michael Ansara, over the design work of Mike Mignola in Batman: The Animated Series and their version of the character, and you’ll wind up like me; cold to the idea that two other portrayals could possibly be worse on this list.

 

2. Wes Bentley / Blackheart — Ghost Rider

Let’s go ahead and say that no one was ever going to be able to out-act Nic Cage is a movie where he transformers into Ghost Rider by cackle-laugh-cry-screaming, bug-eyed, directly into the camera for 45 seconds. But to have cast the weird emo-d-bag from American Beauty to phone in the same performance, but with CGI fart clouds and inverted irises as the nemesis to Cage is perhaps a thing of beauty. I could envision the executives now… as Cage describes their need to spend 12 million dollars to digitally burn him alive (after they convince Cage that they can’t afford the insurance to do it method like he wanted)… “But what about the rest of the cast, Mr. Cage?” And just as he’s about to call in a favor from John Travolta, Wes Bentley comes into the room — to remove the trash from the bins and check if anyone wanted a bagel or scone from downstairs — and Nic hangs up the phone. “You there, boy. I’m going to make you a star.” And with the remaining $12.75 left in the budget for the film, good old bag-cryer Bentley snarls and mumbles his way though another forgettable villain in what could have been a decent excuse for Nic Cage to scream a lot.

 

1. Ciarán Hinds / Steppenwolf — Justice League

I saved this top spot for an actor, who perhaps, is undeserving of my ire. Truly when asking nearly any comic book fan who might show up on this list, nary a one could even name Mr. Hinds. You’d then need to mutter “he was the voice of Steppenwolf in Justice League” for said fanboy to even register the thought that an actual human being lent anything to the “performance” of the bad guy that united the seven. Hinds’ Steppenwolf was given an unsurmountable task of being the harbinger of actual bad guy Darkseid in the DC movie-verse. Whereas Joss Whedon utilized Loki and an army of CGI-expendables to bring together the Avengers (which worked in spades, because, duh), Joss as would-be Cyranno could not convince Zach Snyder and his army of slow-fast-motion-mustache-erasers to replace the wooden non-starter that was Ciarán Hinds and his portrayal of an Apokolyptian war general.

It also helps that with all the money saved for the film’s “fully CGI villain, see, we can do it too, Marvel!” was spent instead removing mustaches and dyeing everything to burnt umber. Steppenwolf looks like a lifeless stand-in for final effects throughout the 82 hours the flick drones on. Combined with his creepy mewling of “mothaaaaa” every time a motherbox appears on screen, and boy howdy, do you wind up with something special.

Justice League was a trainwreck of a film, weighed down by a metric ton of problems. For many it was the brooding. Or the sepia-toned-everything. Or that as hawt as Jason Momoa was, is, and forever will-be… no amount of his bro-screaming was going to cut through the cynicism. Or maybe it was Henry Cavill’s weird CG-baby mouth. But for this writer? It was mostly shouldered by the worthless antagonist in the film. And while Movie-Steppenwolf isn’t that far off from his comic counterpart (both are generically forgettable also-rans) here he was shouldered with being a threat worthy enough to pull together arguably the most recognizable team of superheroes (plus Cyborg) in order to save the day. And what exactly did Hinds give us? Sleepy British snarling. The exact same sleepy British Snarling Professor Lupin gave us in Wonder Woman. So close, in fact, methinks that it’s likely Snyder wanted David Thewlis to reprise his Ares for the League, but after looking over his budget declared “…then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent!”

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #029: The Absolute Worst (PART 1!)

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #029: The Absolute Worst (PART 1!)

With the litany of comic book characters now living second lives as movie characters, we nerds now have an ability to truly start compiling the bests and worsts translated from pulp to digitally projected bric-à-brac. This week, I’d like to do what all great bloggers of the day do: make a top ten list to anger my readers.

So, here is my definitive (for now) list of The Absolute Worst Portrayals of Super-Villains in Movies.

The rules: We’re going to set the line at all comic book movies debuting after Superman (1978). We’re judging the main antagonists in the film (Lucky for you, Eddie Izzard in Mystery Men). My criteria takes into account the overall quality of the film, the on-screen portrayal, the distance between the on-page characteristics of the baddie, as well as how they matched against their nemesis throughout their on-screen performance. Sound good? I don’t care. My list, my rules. Continue reading “So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #029: The Absolute Worst (PART 1!)”

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #028: The Ninth Wonder of the World

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #028: The Ninth Wonder of the World

With WrestleMania season slowly descending upon us (and go ahead and pencil in a column about that the week of the event, smart marks…), the roll out for the WWE’s Hall of Fame began this week with the news that Degeneration X would be the first of the class of 2019. Entering the hall for the stable will be Triple H, Shawn Michaels (his second Hall of Fame ring), “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn, “The Road Dogg” Jessie James… and Chyna. The news was mostly accepted with some fanfare. DX was the WWE’s answer to WCW’s NWO stable — and was instrumental in eventually helping McMahon’s company to topple the competition at the end of the Monday Night Wars.

In short: the smart marks have their panties in a bunch over the accolade specifically because Chyna herself hasn’t been inducted alone, as the singles star she was for the company. Many feel that this is a backhanded compliment to the late Joanie Laurer (Chyna’s real name) to let her in to the hall without truly recognizing her contributions to the WWE at large. Further to that point, Paul Levesque (WWE VP of Talent Relations and semi-retired professional wrestler Triple H) when asked year after year why Chyna has fallen to the wayside with a Hall of Fame induction, often cited Laurer’s complicated personal issues as muddying the waters to grant her with the tribute.

And with the fanfare of the announcement of induction-by-way-of-stable comes the controversy. And who would I be if I didn’t have an opinion to share on the matter?  Continue reading “So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #028: The Ninth Wonder of the World”

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #027: Three Wishes for Aladdin…

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #027: Three Wishes for Aladdin…

Image result for aladdinBy now we’ve all seen the “Extended first look” leaked out for Disney’s latest rehashed classic churned-and-burned into a CGI monstrosity, Aladdin. And far be it from me to bury the lead:

It looked almost palatable until Will Smith’s Genie farted out of the lamp.

The movie has a lot going for it on paper. Director Guy Ritchie — notable to nerds first for his Tarantino-by-way-of-the-UK Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, and Snatch, and later for his turn on Downey-led Sherlock Holmes movies that weren’t half bad. The principle cast, Smith aside, is far less white than one might have feared in the day and age of actually casting things to be true to the source. Heck, even the teeny-tiny-tid-bits of scenery we’ve seen has been lavishly lit and detailed to-the-nines. And while I personally had not seen the The Jungle Book or Beauty and the Beast remakes… my wife and oldest kid have, and they said they were good. Maybe not “great” how my generation once recalled the original animated features mind you, but I’d wholly accept “good” for Aladdin, in part merely to match it’s CGI-siblings in the Hall of Unjustifiable Cash Grabs.

But then… hoo boy. The Genie.

Cooler heads in my social media feeds gently cooed to give it a chance, and denote we’ve not really even seen how things will look. The only taste of Big Willie was a mere 5 seconds of awkward half-introduction. And certainly we can’t extrapolate the quality of the final film from such a hot-take.

But, yes, we can.  Continue reading “So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #027: Three Wishes for Aladdin…”

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #026: If I had a million dollars…

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #026: If I had a million dollars…

The other day over on the Unshaven Comics Facebook page (you DO like us, right?), I offered up a little question of the day that sparked the largest block of engagement we’d ever seen on the page. While I’d hoped that it would be some fantastic and layered comic book debate… instead it was a bit of naval gazing instead. I proposed the always-good-during-a-long-car-ride prompt: What would you do with $1,000,000? I then specified (to detract from the typical snark that might come in tow…) that the money was after all taxes were paid. So, like, you wake up tomorrow and are a million bucks richer, no strings attached. What would you do?

Well, for those that participated on our page, it was a ton of practical answers that I both understood and frowned at. Truly, my ilk have all grown up when the most common answers all revolved around paying off debt and traveling. Not that any of those answers should be frowned upon, of course. But I was more hopeful for flights of fancy.  Continue reading “So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #026: If I had a million dollars…”

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #024: Shut It Down

So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #024: Shut It Down

Hello, Pop Culture Squad readers. I’m interrupting my regularly scheduled screed on the minutiae of pop culture I regularly consume to bring you a bit of political theater. While my compatriot Mike Gold does it far better than I ever could, after thirty days of the present farce in our fair nation, frankly pop culture isn’t serving me well.

Sure, I want to write about the current slump Saturday Night Live is working through. I’d love to pontificate on my recent rounds of Super Smash Brothers Ultimate Melee Battle Extraordinaire (or whatever it’s actually called on the Switch). I’d given nothing more right now, then the ability to focus on my watching the second (and last, boo) season of The Punisher — and how only 2 episodes in I’m already wanting to scream about the drastic dip in quality.

But no. None of it really resonates with me right now. Because our President and congress have frozen 800,000 people out of earned money — in addition to tens of thousands of independent contractors and related businesses who are all presently suffering — over what amounts to a debate over border security.  Continue reading “So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #024: Shut It Down”