Tag: Jimmy Kimmel

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Brainiac On Banjo: Who Woke Trek Up?

Brainiac On Banjo: Who Woke Trek Up?

Posted on by Mike Gold

The memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime. You shuffle in the gloom of the sick room and talk to yourself as you die.” From Free Four, written by Roger Waters.

“Woke, woke, woke. WOKE, woke, woke, WOKE, WOKE!”

The death chant of the Trumpaloon.

There’s a very loud gaggle of incels out there on the internet who truly loathe nearly all of Paramount’s steaming Star Trek programs. Most of them seem to have two things in common. First, the new shows reject canon. Second, the new shows are horribly, horribly woke.

OK. If they saw the shows, they are entitled to their opinion. I must state for the record: the phrase “I’m entitled to my opinion” is complete bullshit. You are only entitled to an informed opinion. I can’t simply accuse you of being, say, a pederast without something to back it up. Babbling like a crazy, stupid fool remains the sole providence of our current President.

Having labored in the comic book fields for a half-century, I can state from experience that “canon” and “continuity” must be a bit fluid. There is dissension between well-versed experts on a great many issues. You could not remake Star Trek TOS today with those 1960s cardboard sets, the characterizations, and the other limits of that time. So I don’t give a damn about canonical feuds.

However, as for being “woke,” what ever the fuck that is, well, Star Trek always has been woke. TOS was so woke if they changed the Klingons name to “LBJ” they would have been The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour. Peace, understanding, dedication to science and to not interfering with (most) unique cultures today would get you kicked out of your Proud Boys unit. Continue reading “Brainiac On Banjo: Who Woke Trek Up?” →

Brainiac On Banjo: Kiss The Boo-Boo (UPDATED)

Brainiac On Banjo: Kiss The Boo-Boo (UPDATED)

Posted on by Mike Gold

“If a bad president can come in and take away our rights and we’re dependent on a good president replacing them in four years to give us back our rights, then we do not have any rights. If politicians can take or distribute them, then they’re not “inalienable” and they’re not rights.” — George Carlin.

Hmmm. Let’s see now. Rapist. Pederast. Killer. Kidnapper. Destroyer of families. Fraudster. And, now, extortionist. All because several very smart, very well informed and very courageous comedians hurt the Emperor’s petty, childish feelings.

Worse still, we have grown used to this. We have come to expect it. It’s not unlike the mass shootings our fearless overarmed pals on the Rabid Right who believe they, personally, need to own more guns, larger guns, and faster guns. The Second Amendment is America’s ED pill… but they loathe the Amendment before it, the First Amendment. These dumb fucks can’t count. Continue reading “Brainiac On Banjo: Kiss The Boo-Boo (UPDATED)” →

Brainiac On Banjo: Cancel Culture

Brainiac On Banjo: Cancel Culture

Posted on by Mike Gold

“When the witch-hunt has begun and we gather around the funeral pyre, it’s the curse of a cancel culture. No way for adequate defense. On the streets it’s dog eats dog, crucified and banned.” From Cancel Culture, written by Ralf Scheepers, Magnus Karlsson, Mat Sinner, and Thomas Naumann Philipp.

You may have heard CBS cancelled The Late Show Starring Stephen Colbert. They did so two days after Colbert returned from vacation and reamed out his employers at the top of the show for giving Donald Trump a $16 million bribe so they could get his approval for selling the parent company, Paramount Global, to Skydance, a big-ass company owned by the Ellison family. Larry Ellison is a “close buddy” of Trump’s, or as close as Trump has to a real friend who probably is not a pederast.

CBS, of course, does not want to look like they’re going down on Trump a second time so they said The Late Show was not profitable. The fact that Colbert’s contract is to expire next May is just a happy coincidence. Colbert will be on the air until then, or, at least, he will be paid to be on the air.

Eschewing timing and broadcast economics, if this had been true the Tiffany Network would have trashed the show some time ago. Not only does Colbert have the highest ratings in that time slot, his audience is close to being greater than than the two Jimmys, Kimmel and Fallon, combined. Moreover, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert has been the annual leader in late night for the past nine years.

The remarkable coincidence here is that Colbert’s well-reasoned attack against the way Paramount bribed Trump in order to close the Ellison deal was taped around 6 PM this past Monday, and he was shitcanned two days later. A petty corporation would have watched the tape of the show and, if concerned about the President’s blackballing the Skydance deal, shitcanned that episode.

It’s not like they were afraid of Colbert quitting the show; they were in the process of firing him anyway.

Times are tough for commercial broadcasting. There’s a lots more competition, some of it from streamers but most of it from non-broadcast media: YouTube, internet, gaming, and other such activities. Prices for commercials on these shows are but a fraction of what they had been.

So what do real business people do with a fanatically loyal audience? Having a massive investment in the property in that time slot (“The Late Show” brand has been valuable to CBS since Philo Farnsworth hatched), they fix it by adding material that will grow the viewership while they try to lower costs. This did not happen with Colbert’s show. It’s happened many times in the past with other shows, including the sainted Tonight Show.

Trump also dislikes everybody else on late-night teevee. He thinks Kimmel is worse than Colbert, he loathes Seth Myers, and has said a lot of nasty things about the other late-night Jimmy. I doubt he ever watched After Midnight once he realized the woman who opened the show stays on it for the whole hour.

But the one guy he and his storm troopers truly hate is Jon Stewart… so much so that I wouldn’t buy the house next to his right now.

Here’s the rub: Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel, and Stephen Colbert have many things in common, including a strong and supportive friendship. They also have James Dixon in common. He’s their agent. The firm is an autonomous entity within WME-ING, which is run by the most powerful person in show business, Ari Emanuel. Fun fact: in the comedy Entourage the role of Ari Gold, played by Jeremy Piven, was based upon Ari Emanuel. Ari Emanuel has raised a lot of money for various Democratic candidates. His brother Rahm has been running for president most of this millennium.

Okay, now we will rub harder. Jimmy Kimmel’s contract expires just about at the same time as Colbert’s, and he’d been making loud noises about not returning before Trump put his rump on the scale.

And, hey, just for fun, Jon Stewart’s contract with Comedy Central expires at the end of 2025. Did I mention Comedy Central is owned by now-Paramount soon-Skydance.

Shortly after Colbert’s firing, Kimmel posted “Love you Stephen. Fuck you and all your Sheldons CBS.” So it looks like Jimmy won’t be moving over the CBS.

Here’s what I surmise what these guys will not be doing, and I am by no means alone on this. Wherever these guys go next, individually or in teams, it will not be on broadcast television.

And it will make money for everybody but whomever owns CBS/Paramount by then.