It’s Christmas at ground zero, just seconds left to go. I’ll duck and cover with my Yuletide lover, underneath the mistletoe.” From Christmas At Ground Zero, written by “Weird Al” Yankovic.

To my fellow Yuletide affirmative-philosophy friends and acquaintances, to those who believe in “live and let live” with an open mind and respect to differences of opinion, and to those who actually have read the texts of their history books…

Io Saturnalia.

Yeah. If you’re confused, look it up. By the first century BC they decided not to wait still another day for their oil delivery, surely to the bitter disappointment of several kosher butchers. Traditionally, Saturnalia runs for seven days starting December 17, although Caligula, that rat-bastard, only celebrated for five. Perhaps he ran out of animal oats mixed with gold flakes for his horse and primary advisor, Incitatus, who lived in a marble stall in an ivory manger with a jeweled collar and, oh yeah, a house. In honor of the late Roman emperor, his living accommodations were later renamed “Trump Tower.”

The theme for Saturnalia, essentially, was “the sun is leaving us, please come back, sun!” This evolved somewhat over time with our increased understanding of “winter.” Both concurrent and future faith structures appropriated the more popular elements in their own end-of-the-world festivities: trees, decorations, bright lights (a.k.a. “fire”), food orgies as well as orgies that do not require dinner-wear, gift giving, and a very temporary deployment of peace on earth and goodwill to all… except, of course, for those guys over there. Continue reading “Brainiac On Banjo: Io O.G. Yule!” →