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Brainiac On Banjo: Bored On The Fourth of July

Brainiac On Banjo: Bored On The Fourth of July

Posted on by Mike Gold

“I am not a pacifist, I like throwing bricks. And when the cops have caught me and I’ve taken a few licks I always feel lucky if I get a bloody nose, because I feel so militant and everybody knows by the time the riot is all through, I’m a better anarchist than you.” From I’m a Better Anarchist Than You, written by David Rovics.

When I was a small child, I was taken to our family dentist for routine check-ups and, of course, because my parents liked the look of naked fear on my face when I would hear the dentist’s drill screaming through the waiting room wall. Eventually, I would stagger out of the office in discomfort. Lucky for me, my dentist had a cardboard box full of “old” comics (well, they certainly are old today) and it contained some great stuff. I was allowed to take home one comic book. Only one.

I fiddled through the box several times, and each time I was most curious about Superman #100. Major anniversary issues were few and far between back then, but both comics fans and normal humans alike tend to be attracted to such stuff.

As you can see from the art, Superman #100 — published in mid-1955 — that cover prominently featured four similarly laudable comics, at least numerically. But inside…

… there was nothing special at all. Nothing. Some ordinary Superman stories, a couple drawn by their main art team of Wayne Boring and Stan Kaye and one by Al Plastino. Normal stories that were, even at that time, rather boring.

Pun not intended.

I probably was six or seven when I copped this prize, but I was confounded when I read it. “This is a 100th issue? It’s no big deal.” DC published Batman #100 the following spring, and it was so pathetically ordinary Superman #100 felt like it was the best anniversary issue of all time. Batman #100 had six “iconic” covers (I loathe that incredibly overused word) seemingly chosen at random: #1, #23, #25, #47, #48, and #61. There were some truly great Batman covers in the first 99 issues, but DC neatly avoided them. Continue reading “Brainiac On Banjo: Bored On The Fourth of July” →

Brainiac On Banjo: Ungrateful Bastard

Brainiac On Banjo: Ungrateful Bastard

Posted on by Mike Gold

“There is no America. There is no democracy. There is only IBM, and ITT, and AT&T, and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide, and Exxon. Those are the nations of the world today. What do you think the Russians talk about in their councils of state, Karl Marx? They get out their linear programming charts, statistical decision theories, minimax solutions, and compute the price-cost probabilities of their transactions and investments, just like we do.” Arthur Jensen to Howard Beale. From the movie Network, written by Paddy Chayefsky.

Screenshot

Seashells? Really? Seashells!

Oh, sure. After about a week of being at the butt end of every comedian’s routine as well as every barroom blather-babble (my favorite type), “acting” Attorney General Todd Blanche said he most certainly has other charges to lay on former FBI Director James Comey, but he was not at liberty to say what those charges are. He’s new on the job, so he hasn’t had enough time to make new shit up.

By the way, “acting,” when used in reference to any Donald Trump appointee, is a euphemism for “Donald Trump.”

All these unending persecutions of Comey are the result of his tempestuous relationship with The Donald back in the beginning of Trump’s first term, when he actually employed a couple people who were smart and courageous. Those appointments, of course, did not last long. The fact is, if Comey did not break with F.B.I. procedure and launch still another investigation into Hillary Clinton and her email servers shortly before the election, she would have won the 2016 presidential campaign. You’d think the Orange Hump would show him a little gratitude!

Please. He becomes an octogenarian in about five weeks. He also needs time to adjust. Earth just ain’t what it used to be before the Fascists lost World War II.

Blanche busted Comey for this photo of seashells that he and his boss both claim is a provocation to assassinate the president of the United States. The shells spelled out “8647,” which became the bank passcode of a great many MAGAts.

Of course, a couple thousand committed truth seekers, a/k/a snotty leftist rabble-rousers, immediately whipped out their phones and searched Amazon for “8646,” which, according to Trump and Blanche, must mean these people were attempting to murder or otherwise inconvenience Trump’s predecessor, Joe Biden, a/k/a President 46. The products shown on my page are among the many that are still available today.

So, this must be an active conspiracy! Continue reading “Brainiac On Banjo: Ungrateful Bastard” →

Brainiac On Banjo: Who Woke Trek Up?

Brainiac On Banjo: Who Woke Trek Up?

Posted on by Mike Gold

The memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime. You shuffle in the gloom of the sick room and talk to yourself as you die.” From Free Four, written by Roger Waters.

“Woke, woke, woke. WOKE, woke, woke, WOKE, WOKE!”

The death chant of the Trumpaloon.

There’s a very loud gaggle of incels out there on the internet who truly loathe nearly all of Paramount’s steaming Star Trek programs. Most of them seem to have two things in common. First, the new shows reject canon. Second, the new shows are horribly, horribly woke.

OK. If they saw the shows, they are entitled to their opinion. I must state for the record: the phrase “I’m entitled to my opinion” is complete bullshit. You are only entitled to an informed opinion. I can’t simply accuse you of being, say, a pederast without something to back it up. Babbling like a crazy, stupid fool remains the sole providence of our current President.

Having labored in the comic book fields for a half-century, I can state from experience that “canon” and “continuity” must be a bit fluid. There is dissension between well-versed experts on a great many issues. You could not remake Star Trek TOS today with those 1960s cardboard sets, the characterizations, and the other limits of that time. So I don’t give a damn about canonical feuds.

However, as for being “woke,” what ever the fuck that is, well, Star Trek always has been woke. TOS was so woke if they changed the Klingons name to “LBJ” they would have been The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour. Peace, understanding, dedication to science and to not interfering with (most) unique cultures today would get you kicked out of your Proud Boys unit. Continue reading “Brainiac On Banjo: Who Woke Trek Up?” →

Brainiac On Banjo: Snow Job Day

Brainiac On Banjo: Snow Job Day

Posted on by Mike Gold

“Do you really enjoy living a life that’s so hateful? ‘Cause there’s a hole where your soul is should be. You’re losing control a bit, and it’s really distasteful. Fuck you. Fuck you very, very much. ‘Cause we hate what you do and we hate your whole crew.” From Fuck You, written by Lily Allen and Greg Kurstin.

All this snow on the ground — it’s still falling, as of this writing — should promote relaxing inactivity. I’d bet my last dollar my pal Bob Harrison is reading a ton of comics, and I hope to watch the last part of Judd Apatow’s wonderful documentary on Mel Brooks. But, given our current realities I’m finding it very hard to maintain focus on entertainment.

It’s not just that I’m pissed at the murders of Alex Pretti and Renee Good and the kidnapping and deportation of hundreds of human beings that are here legally, including many United States citizens. It’s not that the United States government has deployed thousands of masked armed storm troopers to purge our cities of non-white people, although I guess the murders are a nod to the United States government’s use of lethal methods to achieve some sort of equal opportunity. All that is horrible enough. More than horrible enough.

It is the gall of these monsters to assassinate the characters of their victims, both dead and alive-but-disappeared. Every brown and black person, according to our federally funded murderers, is labeled a child rapist and a drug smuggler and a person of infinite violence who must be removed from America under any circumstances, as well as those hundreds of thousands who are pissed at these lethal efforts and are willing to stand in a foot of snow in temperatures well below zero to protest and document our government’s walking concentration camps and the ill-dressed SS thugs who love their jobs so much. Continue reading “Brainiac On Banjo: Snow Job Day” →

Brainiac On Banjo: “We’re Just Going To Kill People”

Brainiac On Banjo: “We’re Just Going To Kill People”

Posted on by Mike Gold

“I think we’re just gonna kill people that are bringing drugs into our country, OK? We are going to kill them, you know? They are going to be, like, dead.” — Donald J. Trump, president, United States of America, October 23, 2025.

Photo: Chicago Sun-Times

How many of us thought the primary cause of global warming would be the President of the United States setting the world on fire?

Yeah, this week’s blather is going to be a bit personal. As you may know, I’m a proud and vocal Chicagoan. I am reminded of what we used to say back in the 1960s. Chicken Little was right.

I grew up in a neighborhood called Albany Park, on my city’s mid-northwest side. Like most Chicago neighborhoods, its character and personality evolved with the various ethnicities who lived there each generation. It was largely Ashkenazi-American when I was a kid, and as my group moved to other neighborhoods over time their apartments were rented by Asian-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, Arab-Americans, and all kinds of folks who marked their turf by establishing amazing restaurants. That’s why Chicago had such an amazing public transportation system.

Earlier this month, Trump’s Troopers invaded Albany Park as well as several other neighborhoods as they sought out anybody who looked or acted the least bit Latino. They tear-gassed people, beat them, and arrested them regardless of their citizenship or its status or any evidence — let alone indictments — of criminal behavior. Continue reading “Brainiac On Banjo: “We’re Just Going To Kill People”” →

Brainiac On Banjo: You Say You Want An Insurrection

Brainiac On Banjo: You Say You Want An Insurrection

Posted on by Mike Gold

“Tin soldiers and Nixon coming, we’re finally on our own. This summer I hear the drumming, four dead in Ohio.” From Ohio, written by Neil Young.

The New York Times, which nearly half the American electorate conflates with Pravda, said yesterday “Under an 1878 law called the Posse Comitatus Act, it is normally illegal to use federal troops on domestic soil for policing purposes. But an 1807 law, the Insurrection Act creates an exception to that ban for situations in which the president decides that ‘unlawful obstructions, combinations or assemblages, or rebellion against the authority of the United States,’ make it ‘impracticable’ to enforce federal law.”

Over the next month or so, it is likely you will be inundated with two words: “Superman,” and “Insurrection.” We all know the former is a big-ass movie about a boy and his dog, but what is an insurrection?

In 2006, George W. Bush considered intervening in the state of Louisiana’s response to Hurricane Katrina back in 2006 — you may remember the photo op of Bush impotently performing a flyover in Air Force One. Louisiana’s governor refused. In 2020, Donald Trump said he would invoke the Insurrection Act in response to the protests following the murder by police of George Floyd. Trump told “every governor to deploy the National Guard in sufficient numbers to re-establish civil law and order until the violence has been quelled.” Like the governor of Louisiana thirteen years earlier, the sundry state officials in question did not cave in to Trump’s demand. Continue reading “Brainiac On Banjo: You Say You Want An Insurrection” →

Brainiac On Banjo: Benny and the Gits

Brainiac On Banjo: Benny and the Gits

Posted on by Mike Gold

“Life’s a piece of shit, when you look at it. Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true. You’ll see it’s all a show — keep ’em laughin’ as you go! Just remember that the last laugh is on you.” From Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life, written by Eric Idle.

Optimism has been on the upswing these past several weeks as people who have been mightily depressed — understandably — finally see a little light. I hope it lasts.

Of course, that light has spent the past decade trying to break through the evil darkness of Donald J. Trump, the quisling who makes Benedict Arnold look like an underachiever. At least General Arnold actually was a self-made traitor to his nation. Trump makes everything up as he goes, committing to nothing save his temper tantrums.

Arnold was quite successful in his position as a general in the American insurrectionist army. One can argue the point that the colonialists might not have achieved independence from Great Britain had he kept to his job running a drug store in New Haven Connecticut. He was successful despite his extremely bad attitude, his impulsive decision making, his hot-temper, his cronyism, and his incessant insubordination. Continue reading “Brainiac On Banjo: Benny and the Gits” →

As Is: Heroes

As Is: Heroes

Posted on by Mike Gold

“So, come on ye childhood heroes! Won’t you rise up from the pages of your comic books, your super crooks, and show us all the way! Make your will and testament. Won’t you join your local government? We’ll have Superman for president. Let Robin save the day.” From Thick As A Brick, written by Ian Anderson.

The Old Folks At My Home

It’s amazing which people I’d vote for over Donald Trump. I suspect at least seven billion out of our global population of 8.2 billion would make that list, including a couple former Nazis who draw the line at fascist fundamentalism. This is not about Trump. This is about saving our nation — and not just from Trump. He’s not even the tip of the MAGA iceberg. In fact, after November they will no longer really need him.

If my goal was simply to defeat Trump, I’d back Taylor Swift. And it’s not about Joe Biden‘s accomplishments, which are truly breathtaking particularly given the fact that if Joe sneezed not a single MAGA would say gesundheit. It’s been four years of pushing the boulder up the mountain against a right-wing House of Representatives, a nearly evenly split Senate, and a Supreme Court filled with religious fascists too insane for The John Birch Society. Against all that, Joe has been doing great.

Judge Holden

This is not about age, and it most certainly is not about a bad head cold. That’s not what we saw last Thursday. Mick Jagger is only a year younger than Joe, and Keith Richards is the man who invented aging. While Joe was debating Judge Holden, Mick and Keith were kicking ass on stage at Chicago’s Soldier Field. But the job of running the United States of America should be a bit more focused.

(Yeah, I know. It’s only rock and roll…) Continue reading “As Is: Heroes” →

As Is: Maybe The Sun Will Come Up Tomorrow…

As Is: Maybe The Sun Will Come Up Tomorrow…

Posted on by Mike Gold

And the judge looked down at me and said, For getting smart, boy, gonna give you more than a lifetime. Murder in my heart for the judge. I’ve got murder in my heart for the judge — From “Murder in My Heart For The Judge,” as written by Donald J. Stevenson and Jerry A. Miller Jr. and presently performed by America’s best known felon.

I just had to make a difficult choice. Should I write about the final episode of Star Trek: Discovery under the “Brainiac On Banjo” banner, or should I write about how America’s treacherous ex-president finally got his comeuppance after 77 years of blustering, conning, extortion, lying, cheating and stealing under my even more political “As Is” rant? Bet you figured that out already.

I can always comment on boldly going where artificial intelligence has gone before. I should celebrate the light at the end of the tunnel, the forthcoming possibility that soon I will never feel the need to comment on the greatest criminal (and skankiest biped) in American history.

Coincidentally, I learned about the verdict coming in from one of the biggest Star Trek fans I know, and I happen to know one hell of a lot of them. I was resting and playing with Adriane’s cat Artemis while listening to music — Artie prefers Warren Zevon — when I received a phone call from comics writer/editor/legend Mindy Newell. She informed me the jury was coming in with the verdicts. “WTF,” I replied, albeit non-initialisticly. “They’ve been deliberating for only about a dozen hours!” “Nonetheless…” Mindy wisely replied.

So I fired up my monitor, hooked myself up to several real news services, and sat back to enjoy the show. As everybody who’s watched juries on television knows, such brief deliberations rarely inure to the benefit of the accused. So my happy-adrenaline started pumping madly like one of Harold Hamm’s oil wells.

And I was not disappointed. Everybody had their scorecard up on the screen. Even Fanduel is unaccustomed to displaying a loss of 34 – 0. The jury of Donald Trump’s peers — but, clearly, these folks were deliberative, focused, and honest so they hardly were Emperor Trump’s “peers” — were goddamned clear in their message. Continue reading “As Is: Maybe The Sun Will Come Up Tomorrow…” →

As Is by Mike Gold: Old Joe, My Ass

As Is by Mike Gold: Old Joe, My Ass

Posted on by Mike Gold

We live in a political world, The one we can see and feel. But there’s no one to check. It’s all a stacked deck. We all know for sure that it’s real. “Political World,” written by Bob Dylan.

It’s time to get real. As of this writing, there are four presidential candidates who are likely — but not assuredly — to be heading their respective political party tickets.

The Democratic Party has Joe Biden, age 81. The Fascist Party has Donald Trump, age 77, although it is vaguely possible that they will have to share their Orange Pumpkin with our federal prison system. The Fossil Fuel party has Joe Manchin, age 76. He has yet to announce for president, but he has said he will not run for reelection to the Senate. I guess he’s afraid Exxon will take his yacht away.

(Fun Fact: Manchin, who has a cash register in his yacht’s master bedroom, is the right wing Democratic senator from West Virginia, which is a land-locked state. Anomalies abound.)

Finally, there is Bizarro Bobby Kennedy, age 69, from the Kill-Your-Neighbor Party. Unlike such movies as Godfather II and From Russia With Love, Bizarro Bobby adds credence to the philosophy “sequels-aren’t-as-good-as-the-originals.

That means Bizarro Bobby, at 69 years of age, is the cub in the pack. Ergo, “too old” is preposterously relative. I know a shitload of people who died before their 69th birthday, and even more who died before they turned 76, 77 or 81.

But let’s hope to High Hell that Bizarro Bobby is too apeshit for the electorate. That’s a big assumption after Trump and, unlike Trump (at least this week), Bizarro Bobby is pro-abortion… as long as said abortion occurs within three months of the zygote’s propagation. Recently, he’s tried to walk back that part, which shows us just how feckless the bastard is. But he is the baby on the railroad tracks so we’ll grade the others on the curve.

Manchin, 76. Trump, 77. Biden, 81. That’s a five-year span, yet it is Biden who is targeted as “too old.”

Friends, age is not the issue here.

It’s Kamala Harris. Continue reading “As Is by Mike Gold: Old Joe, My Ass” →