WWE, buddy. Have a seat. No, no, don’t run for the door. This needs to happen. I know you’re busy! What with your WWE Backlash PPV absolutely being panned across the web, fan sentiment falling faster than Doink’s pants once did, and your mothership becoming (somehow) even more hated than Vince McMahon. But, c’mon kid. You’re in a safe space. It’s time we go ahead and address a few things. Clear the air. And yes… this is your Performance Improvement Plan. 

Let’s go ahead and warm things up a bit with what you’re doing right, mmk?

I know it’s creating a bit of controversy among certain former colleagues of ours online… but I’m going to commend you thus far on your use of Danhausen. He’s moving plenty of merch. His pairing with Miz right out of the gate was a smart first feud. I’m going to warn you though… don’t blow this. The match at Backlash was getting some pre-show buzz with the thought of Mr. Hausen tagging with any number of stars not on the bill that night. With only five (!) matches on the card, you had stars like Oba Femi, Joe Hendry, Je’Von Evans, or Pepsi Phil himself, CM Punk all without anything to do on a nice Saturday night. Instead, you continued this narrative of Danhausen’s minhausens. I hate to be the bearer of bad news here… Dan is over. The minis? Not so much. It’s playing to the kids a bit much, and while I applaud the attempt? Danhausen is peak when he has more to play off of. And hey… much love to El Torito. He’s an amazing performer. But the dime store gear looked awful, and it slid the match into the kind of “ha ha” that you’re not needing. 

And hey, kid. Good job with putting over Bron Breakker and Trick Williams. They are both young, with a ton of upside. Letting them beat some ring vets like Rollins and Zayn helps them continue to establish themselves — and sets us up for hopefully some new storylines. 

Giving Iyo Sky and Asuka proper time to tell a great story in the ring was also a nice play. Good on you. And while you’re being coy as to whether or not this was the curtain call for The Empress of Tomorrow… I’m sure we’ll know soon enough. She’s got a hall of fame career, and you did right by her. No notes.

I’ll get to Roman Reigns in a bit. He’s part of a much larger concern we need to discuss. 

For now, if you turn the page in your binder, you’ll see some financials I pulled. Under TKO, the company is experiencing record financial growth. No doubt due, in part, to using their strongarm tactics (natch) to get that sweet ESPN and Netflix money… as well as whoring out literally every damned molecule of free space in your programming. So, if you see that line there? That’s profits, and it’s right where any company would love to be. Which is all the more reason to wag a massive finger of shame at you for the reporting that states the powers that be are demanding you slash your talent salary pool by millions of dollars, forcing you to restructure deals for what I’ve heard could be upwards of a fifty percent pay cut to certain talent — under the guise that fewer dates to work now means more health and safety, and less travel and expenses for them. Win-win, right? Wrong! See, for better or worse (worse), old dickbag Vinny Mac built your company on downside guarantees — where the talent were guaranteed a certain salary regardless of number of matches wrestled. Now you’re shredding those deals and firing a litany of stars! It’s a bad look.

Let’s take a quick look there too, shall we? You invested so much time and energy into the Wyatt Sicks stable — celebrating the life and ideas of the late Windham Rotunda (Bray Wyatt) — only to lose interest and fire the six talented stars. You released Kairi Sane and Zoey Stark, who were both great hands in your women’s division. You let the New Day (Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston) walk, and fired the Motor City Machine Guns… further proving your waving interest in tag team wrestling is more than a meme at this point. 

And why? Why would you cut your roster down, and cut salaries? Oh, I see. TKO Holdings is still massively in the red, and suddenly you’re the cash cow to beat into burger meat. Sucks to be picked on, doesn’t it?!

Next here on the list? Your continued abuse of poor John Cena. After making his final in-ring run just the drizzlin’ shits as Stone Cold would say… you peddle him out to tease a life-changing announcement for the WWE. While the dirtsheets speculated this would be some kind of “Club WWE” announcement, perhaps you figured releasing yet another cash grab from your already wallet-weary audience was a bad look. So instead, John Cena now has his own yearly tournament! Hey. I love the notion. Cena is the poster boy for grabbing the brass ring. Why not give him a tourney to crown a yearly champ trying their darndest to be the next loved/hated roster member! While I’m always down for a tournament — the storytelling is literally baked in as you go — John’s announcement including a twist that spoiled the stew something fierce. Apparently… the winner of the John Cena Classic may not be the winner. According to Mr. Face That Runs the Place, fan voting will ultimately determine who wins. So, best guess: WWE Bookers build the tournament, let it run, and then pray the fans agree with the ACTUAL WINNER. And if/when that doesn’t happen? Someone else in the proceedings… someone who LOST… will be declared the winner, and be given a belt. 

That’s dumb as a box of rocks. I won’t waste our time telling you why. But good job… you’ve instantly informed the fans that the first winner will be the biggest jobber you book. Oh, and having John already issue a half-assed apology / explanation was the brown icing on the cake. Chef’s kiss. I love this for you.

Now. Let’s go ahead and move on to the biggest reason we need to talk. Your handling of the main event picture on both of your main brands is abysmal. I get it. You gave CM Punk everything on his bucket list. He’ll never say a dirty word about the WWE again. Smart. But giving the big belt back to Roman Reigns… and then having him once again HOO-AAAH his way to victory over Jacob Fatu. Snooze. Oh, Jacob will get his heat back with a post-match beat down. Sure. That always works. Except… well… never. You’ve told your audience “he’s not ready”. Oh. I’m sorry. What’s that? Let you cook? No. I won’t. I understand you force-fed us a Cody loss to sell the Cody win. What you don’t understand is that it only diminished Cody’s draw. It’s baffling given that your smart booking is what won you the Monday Night Wars of the 90’s! As soon as you recognized Stone Cold was hot? You strapped the rocket to his back, and got a legend. And no sooner than Rocky Maivia figured out The Rock persona? You had a second inferno to deal with. Sprinkle in solid hands like Mick Foley, Undertaker, Kane, and the boss’s daughter’s bed buddy and you have a main event scene!

Now it’s 2026. You’re still the biggest game in town. This idea that your top champions must all hold their belts for 6+ months at a time is wholly unnecessary. The fact that your top two dogs are the same two you’ve effectively had at the top for the better part of 3 years now. And unlike the aforementioned Attitude Era? In spite of having arguably the biggest and most talented roster of talent in the industry… you effectively have no main event scene. You have stars on the cusp you refuse to take real chances on — Oba Femi, Bron Breakker, or Jacob Fatu. You have solid hands deserving an opportunity to prove their mettle — LA Knight, Chad Gable, Joe Hendry, or Rusev. Keep in mind, in any other promotion? These gentlemen could be top talent. You’re holding your hand needlessly. All this, and I’ve not had the time to mention your women’s division, your lack of a tag team division, or your continued mishandling of NXT.

I’m sorry, WWE. I want you to be successful. But every time you do something right — like showcasing Mr. Iguana — you find a way to drill it into the ground until the fans have moved on — like the Grande Americano garbage. Combine that with TKO turning you into an ad-adorned price-gouging also-ran? The rope is getting frayed. When the fans start murmuring that Vince McMahon should return to fix things… you know it’s time to change. 

Ms. Grant will see you out now.