Warning: the following article is about a piece of old pop culture that I have only recently absorbed for the first time. As such, much of this article will find you asking yourself “Wait. Seriously? He’s never seen Labyrinth before now?”, and I’m making it clear from the get go.

I literally watched Labyrinth for the first time, ever, a few days ago.

What troubles many about this fact is that my beautiful, talented, witty, charming, trivia-strong, Chuck Taylor obsessed wife often cites this among her favorite movies of all time. So how is it then after… roughly 9,200 days together I have never indulged the mother of my children the common courtesy of hunkering down to consume Jim Henson’s beloved romp featuring David Bowie and his astounding… prowess…

I could make a lengthy list to attempt to defend myself, but I largely imagine doing so wouldn’t exactly get me off the hook with Kathy or anyone else who consider it essential pop culture of the 80’s.

One last warning: I admit freely that I am not much into fantasy stuff. I’m super finicky about it for reasons unbeknownst even to me. And I was clear to my better half that I would hold no punches back on these hot takes. Same as I did for Top Gun and Caddyshack… I booted up the flick, hit play, and fired off my opinion in media res. That way, everyone can enjoy some hot mic moments that don’t get rose colored glasses in post. If after this articles post you don’t see me writing for subsequent weeks thereafter? SEND HEL—

ACT ONE

• I really want to go to IMDB before settling in, and I’m not even through the opening credits. This owl looks like early CGI? But the movie is from 1986? 
• In the credits, the owl flies over a big ass maze, and my dumbass goes… “Oh man. Wait. Is this whole movie about getting lost in a maze? I thought it was about David Bowie’s glass balls…
• The music swells and Bowie starts singing. I should note I have a ton of respect for the man, but about the only songs of his I ever vibed with were “Golden Years” and “Let’s Dance”… and I don’t even like the latter one that much.
• Two seconds in, and we’re running across a stone bridge over a little river in a green meadow, and I’m already thinking I should have tried Empire Records or Scareface. 
• PSYCH! We’re not in ye olden times. She’s wearing jeans, and has the one of those Disney dogs that I’ve never seen outside of a movie. Also, she has a copy of the script in her sleeve? Are we gonna get a story within a story like Princess Bride? (at this point Kathy walked past me writing this, slapped me on the back of the head and told me to watch the f’n movie for more than three f’n minutes before I try being funny.)
• Is it me, or did like several dozen movies in the 80’s all start with our lead teen having to run home only to be confronted by a parent who is rightfully angry at them only to be immediately vilified? Crap on a cracker, I’m siding with the parents now. WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
• Real talk: last night, my four-year-old daughter got BIG MAD because her iPad timed out for the night, and she screamed how much she hated her room, her bed, her lamp, and me. And now I see this? Oh my god, Sarah. YOU were late by an HOUR when your folks wanted to have a date night. And then you run to your room, and keep playing pretend, like you don’t know that they would like to leave?! And then you have the gall to throw a hissyfit because a teddy bear is out of place… AFTER you YELL in anger while the baby has just been put down to sleep? You are so grounded!!
• Oh, I think I get it. Sarah’s going to learn that she actually loves her baby brother — in spite of the fact that he’s the spawn of her father and his evil second wife. Also, something something Bowie’s wang in tights. This is already better than I thought.
• Every parent’s dark secret… when your kid is screaming and you’ve literally “done all the things”, you too will wish that snot-rocketing pant-wetter to be whisked away too. And yeah, if that happened IMMEDIATELY? You’d probably wish them back as well. Also? Uhh. I’m like fifteen minutes in, and I’m saying this now: if this whole thing winds up just a dream, Imma be hella pissed. 
• Also, I know it’s clear Sarah is a LARPing fiend, but like, gurl… c’mon. Some dude just appeared in your home, threw a snake on you, whisked you off to a magical land (without closing the window behind him… rude) and you just go with it? What kind of whippits were you huffing?!

ACT TWO

• Peeing Muppet. PEEING MUPPET! PEEING MUPPET SERIAL (fairy) KILLER?!
• Sarah didn’t see the obvious door shaped door not ten feet from her face? Also… how did she know Hoggle’s name? Also also… is everyone in this movie going to be a douche? We’re batting 1.000 so far.
• Toby finally stops crying when Bowie breaks out into a nuwave tune. Just curious… how often does the Goblin King do this? And does his horde of Muppet goblins actually dig it, or is this sort of a “we better make it look like we enjoy this, or he’ll toss us twenty feet into the air like the baby” situation.
• The groping chasm is seventeen kinds of kinky, and I don’t appreciate it.
• “I’m doing okay.” Sarah? How in the blue hell do you know you’re doing OK? Thus far… you needed a dwarf to show you the door in, a worm to tell you to things don’t look as they seem, declared yourself smarter for solving a children’s riddle — which you clearly didn’t. You have no watch, nor any way of knowing how far away you are from the the exit of the maze. YOU’RE NOT DOING OK. 
• Literally everyone in this damned labyrinth is really angry with one another. 
• At 34:56, I finally clocked the Goblin Wang™.
• Thanks to Donald Trump, America stepped into the Bog of Eternal Stench.
• The moral of the story so far is “Life’s not fair.” This explains a lot about my wifey.
• The chicken hat knows Spanish.
• Ludo is like the first thing to not be a douche. But I’m gonna get sick of him speaking in the third person really quickly. Wait. Nevermind. I think he just died.
• OK. I’m gonna turn off the snark long enough to say: Jim Henson really does build an amazing world. Snark back on.
• Hoggle’s got about twelve accents.
• “And Hoggle? If you convince that sixteen-year-old to kiss you, you’ll be on the Epstein list. Bwa ha ha ha!” Oh, Goblin King… you’re the weirdest douche of all.
• These pink fire demon flamingo head juggling things are racist. I think. But I appreciate the practical effects. If they remade this now? It’d be a CGI abomination. Also? This song is catchy though.
• Ludo is an Earth-bender.
• Time out. I’m near-certain I saw Sir Didymous as a toy in Sarah’s room prior. And now her dog is his steed. The book was in her sleeve. THIS HAD ALL BETTER NOT BE A FRIGGEN DREAM. It’s gonna be a dream. 
• …and now we’ve reached the single-bite-of-peach-drug-orgy adult-contemporary music video nightmare portion of our film.
• She went through the garbage lady’s portal, and now the movie is trolling me. Also? Pretty sure Hayao Miyazaki saw the the garbage lady and thought “Oh. I’m gonna make this like 25% of my aesthetic going forward.” 

ACT THREE

• Evil door Iron Monger axe guard is cool. And kudos to Ludo for not even trying to catch Hoggle.
• OK. What the hell? Goblin King was able to teleport all over the Labyrinth during Acts One and Two without any problem. He could SEE Hoggle attempting to drop the drug-peach into the fart swamp… but mysteriously NOW he needs a guard breaking in to tell him Sarah’s made it past the Goblin city? What was he doing? Stuffing himself back into his tights?! And NOW he suddenly needs guards? DUDE, YOU’RE AN EVIL WIZARD.
• Peeing fountain.
• Did Sir Didymous just say shit?
• Ludo tearing open the entire house wall was amazing.
• Did this movie predate the Rock Lords™? If so, Jim Henson’s estate should sue.
• Canon-gun-suit goblin is was cool.
• I imagine Jim Henson just watching The Wizard of Oz, snickering, and then exclaiming… “oooh! But what if it had a shit-ton of Muppets, and David Bowie!” and then Tri-Star just cut the check.
• And there’s Relativity. Damnit, this is all a dream. But crap if these practical effects aren’t great.
• SO. MUCH. TODDLER. ENDANGERMENT.
• David Bowie: I want a costume change every ten minutes.
  Producers: OK, but we’re going to have to scrimp on the budget SOMEWHERE, man.
  Bowie: I’ll wear the thinnest pants in recorded history.
  Producers: Deal.
• The Goblin King is such a typical male. “I DID SO MUCH FOR YOU!”… and all he really did was kidnap a baby. “Just let me rule you, and you can have everything you want.” This is too close to reality.
•  No wonder Toby cries all the time. They have a loud-as-fuck hourly chime clock in the damned house. And the idiot dad loudly bellows for Sarah after the date. TOBY IS SLEEPING, YOU DOLT!

And the moral of the story? Take drugs. It’ll all work out for some reason.