It’s Christmas at ground zero, just seconds left to go. I’ll duck and cover with my Yuletide lover, underneath the mistletoe.” From Christmas At Ground Zero, written by “Weird Al” Yankovic.
To my fellow Yuletide affirmative-philosophy friends and acquaintances, to those who believe in “live and let live” with an open mind and respect to differences of opinion, and to those who actually have read the texts of their history books…
Io Saturnalia.
Yeah. If you’re confused, look it up. By the first century BC they decided not to wait still another day for their oil delivery, surely to the bitter disappointment of several kosher butchers. Traditionally, Saturnalia runs for seven days starting December 17, although Caligula, that rat-bastard, only celebrated for five. Perhaps he ran out of animal oats mixed with gold flakes for his horse and primary advisor, Incitatus, who lived in a marble stall in an ivory manger with a jeweled collar and, oh yeah, a house. In honor of the late Roman emperor, his living accommodations were later renamed “Trump Tower.”
The theme for Saturnalia, essentially, was “the sun is leaving us, please come back, sun!” This evolved somewhat over time with our increased understanding of “winter.” Both concurrent and future faith structures appropriated the more popular elements in their own end-of-the-world festivities: trees, decorations, bright lights (a.k.a. “fire”), food orgies as well as orgies that do not require dinner-wear, gift giving, and a very temporary deployment of peace on earth and goodwill to all… except, of course, for those guys over there.
Generally speaking, the doppelgänger holidays did not include feeding all your slaves the same food, in quality and in quantity, as the privileged enjoyed regularly. Saturnalia is far more egalitarian than Hanukkah, Christmas, or Eid al-Fitr.
Today many of those essentially decent considerations have been replaced by the need of the wealthy to use every opportunity available to max-out the proletariat’s credit card limits. In 1958, Stan Freberg wrote and recorded a song called “Green Chri$tma$.” Freberg was a brilliant satirist (among other things) and a devout Christian. He found the capitalist invasion of the holidays revolting… and the song was a hit. A few years later, George Carlin was almost fired from his DJ gig in Shreveport, Louisiana for playing it. That was after Carlin was arrested with Lenny Bruce for obscenity, but I digress. A taste of Stan’s lyric:
“Christmas comes but once a year, so you better cash in while the spirit lingers. It’s slipping through your fingers, boy! Don’t you realize Christmas can be such a Monetary joy!”
Like Carlin, I played “Green Chri$tma$” on every commercial radio station I worked, not entirely in response to the station manager always assigning the midnight Christmas shift to the house Jew.
Oddly, I am not advocating for the return of traditional holidays. Celebrate whatever you choose in whatever manner you prefer. I mean, sure, don’t screw people over and be kind and open-minded, and — my broadcast training compels me to say this — do not drink and drive. Yeah, that includes all manifestations of driving while intoxicated.
Be kind. That was one of the Doctor’s last words and, damn, its appropriate. That should be printed on our dollar bills. Well, our credit cards.
No matter what holiday(s) you decide to celebrate, be there in form or in spirit for your friends, relatives and loved ones. It doesn’t matter which outfit gets the credit.
Given the menu for 2026, we’re going to need all the friends we can get.
