Welcome back to my corner of the internet. A place for rants and raves. Last week’s jaunt into music saw more than a few of my friends poke their head in to say hello. Nice to know that when I’m not yelling in a vacuum about pro wrestling I can actually hold people’s attention. Woot! I’d be remiss to say that I was ready, willing, and able to keep up the same vibe this week, and shift from music to TV. Heck, my wife and I were on a lengthy Sunday drive and wound up wasting a solid 45 minutes simply naming shows of our youth — with the disapproving caveat how our kids’ generation simply doesn’t enjoy content like that with any regularity.

But that rant shall be saved for another week. I’m hungry.

One of the not-so-secret reasons I love Unshaven Comics has been the opportunity to break bread in new places with friendly faces. While I’m not likely to be categorized specifically as a foodie, there should be no doubt by my appearance that I, ahem, love food. Then again, so does Unshaven Matt Wright. And he and I bond bountifully when we land in a new city for a comic con, and have a splay of culinary options outside our norm. It has led us to some of the most memorable bites two bearded blokes could bloviate about.

An important note: Unshaven Kyle Gnepper is not one we’d count as ever being into food. While he certainly has his favorites, he himself would be the first to tell you… it’s rare if ever he finds himself raving about a meal. If it were up to him, at every con, we’d hit up Wendy’s one night, and go to the local Walmart for bread and meat for the rest of the trip. He’s entitled to this opinion, and we love him for being him. (That being said, he’s super-duper wrong, and mocking him for it is a constant drone in our travels. Bwa ha ha ha!)

So this week, I’m going to make a meal headed into my memory palace to wax poetic about my personal top five culinary experiences whilst being an Unshaven Comic.

1. The Autobahn Sausage Buffet + Cream puff  Schmidt’s Sausage Haus, Columbus, OH

There is a much longer, and astoundingly hilarious backstory how Unshaven Comics and our fine friends from Evansville (Indiana, don’t cha know) wound up eating at this particular restaurant. But for the sake of time — and because it’s far funnier I tell it not write it — let’s just get into the meal itself.

The Autobahn buffet is a German food lover’s literal heaven. In addition to your standard salad bar, we were privy to several smallish buffets absolutely choked with smoked and traditional sausages, a stew, fried chicken, a wealth of potatoes in various styles, sauerkraut, and the like. And after eating a criminal amount of various wursts… we were each kindly forced to take home a quarter pound cream puff. Please stop and reread for clarity sake. Think of the lightest, airiest, most fluffy creme filling you can imagine…. And jamming enough of it into a freshly baked pastry shell for it to weigh a quarter pound.  We Unshavens brought ours into the Columbus Comic Con the following day, and snacked on them throughout the entire day. I’m near certain we skipped dinner.  

2. Burgushi  The Cowfish Sushi Burger Bar, Charlotte, NC

This odd burger bar meets sushi establishment was a culinary hipster’s paradise. Tripped over by way of our hotel’s front desk attendant — who hoisted a coupon to us — Unshaven Matt, myself, and 2 of our Samurnaut models descended upon the Cowfish with mercurial delight.  I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that Kyle wasn’t “sitting this one out”. He was tabling solo the same weekend elsewhere, and pummeling our foursome’s meager sales whilst we attended the Heroes Con. (Read about how we fared at the show some 10 years later here!)

So what does one eat at the Cowfish? Well, there simply wasn’t a chance we’d miss out on ordering the odd-but-aptly named Burgushi. Per the menu (thank you, 2013 Marc’s Facebook page for jotting this down!): Seasoned natural Angus ground beef, applewood bacon, fresh jalapenos and spicy cream sauce inside of a sushi roll coated with tempura flakes. Each piece is topped with marinated Roma tomato and pepper jack cheese, then baked to perfection. Drizzled with cashew cilantro pesto to finish.

It was the oddest bite one could take. A spicy burger, in sushi form. It was awesome, and paired well with the overpriced milkshakes and sweet potato fries that were also ordered. 

3. Baltimore Bomb Pie Dangerously Delicious Pie, Baltimore, MD

In my mid-twenties — prior to the streaming and DVR revolution — I was an avid cable TV consumer. Chief in my favorite channel list? The Food Network. And chief among the can’t-miss-shows for me? The Next Food Network Star. And, because I know you’re curious: it also included the original Iron Chef, Chopped, Triple D (IYKYK), and Good Eats. Well, on the said next-star reality show… pie-maker Rodney Henry brought his aptly named Dangerously Delicious Pies to the forefront. And while the rockabilly baker didn’t win his season of the show, he left a pie-sized hole in my heart. Once I knew Unshaven Comics was Baltimore-bound, a stop at his all-pie concept was a must.

The Baltimore Bomb pie is a chess pie topped by a layer of Balimore-famous Berger Cookies (which are delightfully HUGE shortbread cookies absolutely demolished with a layer of fudgey icing) and baked off. The icing from the cookies melts into the chess filling, and the cookies brown up a bit. What you wind up with is a pie so decadent, a single bite conjures the spirit of Wilford Brimely. Once you heed his apt warning, you’re left with a surprisingly complex dessert that looks like a car wreck, but tastes like a Willy Wonka fever-dream. 

4. Crabcake Platter  G&M Restaurant, Baltimore, MD

“Marc!” you pry. “Two Baltimore stops on the same top 5 list?”

Yes. My list. My rules. And frankly if you’ve not seen a G&M crabcake, you aren’t allowed to judge me. A bit of a backstory first:

While attending our first Baltimore Comic Con, alongside our pre-PCS-crew (we went by another name then, pssshaw), Unshaven Comics was allowed admittance into the Harvey Awards. There, in a hotel ballroom, we enjoyed a very hotel-quality dinner. This included 2 crab cakes per plate. Matt and I sank into them, and immediately denoted how much better they were than previously enjoyed cakes of a similar nature. No doubt that our midwestern palettes were not intimately familiar with the increase in quality due to proximity to the east coast fishing scene. Natch. It was after our declaration of quality that amazing artists Mark Wheatley and Marc Hempel scoffed. “You guys think these are good?!”

The next evening, we were whisked to this local’s favorite alongside several guests from the night before. Suffice it to say when two REGULATION SOFTBALL SIZED CRABCAKES arrived on each of our plates, the ear to ear grins by our guests was worth the mild humiliation. And more than just serving size, kiddos, these were crabcakes held together not with crackers or fancy binders… no. They were giant pieces of well-seasoned crab meat held together by smaller bits of crab. Crabception. With two savory sides to boot. 

5. Tacos Al Pastor Dinner Michoacán Mexican Restaurant, Las Vegas, NV

I owed everyone this little story after our Vegas escapades. And while In and Out Burger may be deserving of an honorable mention in terms of a good value / good grub / good vibes check… it was not this experience.

On our first evening in Vegas, beaten down by the long day, and crappy hotel experience, we’d settled for the middest of mid restaurants… the overpriced and underwhelming Cheesecake Factory. On our second evening, we decided to be a bit more adventurous. And so, a quick googling while sitting in a lull on the Expo floor yielded this Mexican restaurant shared by several lists all flagging it as a favorite of the local gentry. With a strong desire to abstain from “on strip” eateries, this fit our prerequisites in spades. 

The first sign of quality? Kyle’s order of a Coke netted him a glass bottle of the proper stuff. Next? The dropped-off chips and salsa came part in parcel with a swift punch in the mouth of capsaicin cacophony. Like, you know, actual peppers and spices were muddled into fresh tomatoes! Then came 3 tiny cups of complimentary fideo soup. Tangy tomato broth choked with small ribbons of noodles, served warm-but-not-scalding. I kid you not… as a noted soup-lover, this unassuming bowl made top 5 all-time soup experiences. On par with the richest clam chowders and double-Yiddish matzoh ball. And this was all just the preamble!

Between Matt and I, our entrees (Carne Asada for Matt, Tacos Al Pastor for me) were accompanied by eye-rolling-in-gluttonous-consumption glee. My al pastor sang of spice and natural sweetness of pineapple. The tortillas were clearly made, by hand, by someone’s abuela, that same morning. For the love of Blue Beetle, even the sides of rice and beans tasted 100% homemade and seasoned to perfection. Matt and I practically smashed fists to the table with each mouthful. And to this performance akin to Sally Albright giving her mid-diner performance of sexual delight, we turned to our Unshaven brethren for the final amen. 

Kyle denoted it was “pretty good”.