Brainiac On Banjo: Oh, Sure, It’s For The Children!

Sex and drugs and rock and roll is all my brain and body need. Sex and drugs and rock and roll are very good indeed. “Sex and drugs and rock and roll,” written by Ian Dury and Chaz Janke.

Whenever somebody advocates for the restriction of personal freedoms in the name of the children — It’s for the children! — I utter “bullshit!” These self-righteous self-appointed snobs, elitists and holy-holies advocate against what they consider moral, according to their Dickensian upbringing and just how big and how wide that pole is that they keep up their own asses.

The latest is only the latest because of the proliferation legal establishments where normal humans can drown away their money without having to understand the nuances of decentralized cryptocurrency. According to The Guardian a couple days ago under the headline ‘We’re Killing the Youth of America’: Calls Grow For Crackdown on US Gambling, according to executive director of New Jersey’s Council on Compulsive Gambling Felicia Grondin, “There’s a lot of kids that are gambling.”

No shit, Sherlock.

And kids are speeding, drinking booze, shooting guns, and watching The Three Stooges. I’ll bet even Ms. Grondin did some of that before she was twenty-one. Or eighteen, as the case may be.

Personally, I do not possess the gambling gene. I have been to casinos exactly twice, and that was because each had a great barbecue restaurant. I won exactly enough to pay for dinner each time, and I haven’t been inside of one in nearly twenty years. I don’t have a dog in this race, except a lust to silence the Brain Police.

It’s illegal for kids to bet in casinos. There’s lots of security around, both paid and police (often, the police are paid by the casinos), they have floorwalkers and croupiers and enough ceiling spy cameras to make Doctor Doom think he needs a new ISP.

If this is a problem, it is because the casinos allow it to be a problem. In most states they can lose their license allowing kids to gamble, just as a bar can lose its license for serving alcohol to kids.

You might recall that kids want to drive. Their inexperience can lead to accidents and death. Adults consider driving some sort of god-given right, so they get boozed up, drive stupidly, and wind up killing kids — often their own. So by the same logic deployed by those who are offended by gambling, we must ban cars and, therefore, driving. It’s for the children!

Many kids love to drink alcohol. I grew up in a family of teetotalers (why does my SpellWrecker flag “teatotalers?”), so I never developed a taste for the stuff. Adults seem to like it. Alcohol is a leading cause of children’s deaths — not just from drinking the stuff but because of drivers getting drunk and killing kids and violent or inept parents getting liquored up and harming their kids, often by neglect or from drinking the rent. Therefore, we must ban alcohol. It’s for the children!

Guns? Can you read? Do you have access to a news media outlet that isn’t brainwashed by the NRA and their fellow travelers? Christ, if there’s anything we should ban — and good luck with this — it’s guns. It’s for the children!

Violent television? Back before teevee became ubiquitous, kids were locked up in movie theaters all Saturday afternoon watching hours of Looney Tunes and Three Stooges while their moms enjoyed a well-deserved break from the irresistible force of their brood. And those kids were armed with Jujubes, Milk Duds and other weapons of mess destruction. But put that same content on teevee and parents want to ban or at least castrate it. It’s for the children!


It’s much easier to quash anything you don’t like, for whatever reason, if you do so in the name of the children. Drag Queen Story Hour? Library books? Eid al-Fitr? Halloween??? We’re trying to save the children!

Parenting is a bitch, and it would be nice if there was help with heavy lifting. I get that. Teach your children self-control. That is the parent’s most important job. If you’re not up for it, send the little buggers back.

But more likely you simply do not like something so you don’t want it to exist because you are morally right, so fuck everybody who does it according to Hoyle. You are such cowards that you use children as shields.

Here’s a fact. The vast majority of gamblers, drivers, alcohol consumers, television programmers, drag queens, Muslims and Pagans are swell people. A few aren’t. And, sometimes, people make mistakes and there is nothing the Brain Police can do prevent that.

We must sanction responsible behavior and stop scapegoating the lowest common denominator. You are not doing it for the children. You are doing it because you love the smell of your own farts and want everybody else in the world to snort your misery.

For the children? Grow up!