So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #071: 84 Questions I Have About WW84

The other evening, with nothing better to do… I put WW84 on while I drew comics. Suffice to say, I wasn’t exactly in love with Patty Jenkins and Geoff John’s script. The overlong-underbaked flick drove yet-another-nail into the coffin of the Extended DC Universe of gritty, sappy, crap-fests. And while it had a handful of high spots… WW84 ultimately left me with more questions than answers. So here’s 84 of them.

Spoilers abound. You’ve been warned. And I apologize that these questions will be out of order of the sequences of the flick. I’m shootin’ from the hip. 

  1. How well-trained are those Amazonian horses that they just automatically stay on course in case their riders decide to use a few shortcuts?
  2. And since our big lesson here was “cheaters never win”, why did we see a few Amazonians shoulder-checking their sisters into the water over the obstacle course? That’s just good-natured tomfoolery?
  3. Is Wonder Woman a public figure or not at this point? In her intro, she’s swinging through the city like Spider-Man and the cuts and direction (and helpful expository news anchor later) sure makes it feel like she’s supposed to be incognito.
  4. How is it that Barbara Minerva holds 179 different degrees, but doesn’t understand the concept of business-appropriate flats. They made those in the 80’s too.
  5. How much did JC Penny pay for that prime shot in the mall?
  6. How much do you miss malls, after watching this movie (and Stranger Things)?
  7. Did someone hand the makeup / wig artists a picture of Nathan Fillion and just say “gimme this.” for Max Lord?
  8. Did Patty Jenkins or Geoff Johns ever read the comics that showcased Lord’s metahuman ability to mentally control people? That sure would have been a far-less-difficult gimmick to utilize versus the Dreamstone that will no doubt populate 40ish questions to come later in this article.
  9. Was Simon Stagg added in just to troll the five of us left who appreciate a good Easter Egg?
  10. Could you not have gone ahead and thrown us a bone and have Rex Mason hanging around? Maybe Sapphire? C’mon, man.
  11. Was anyone else really curious who Alistair’s mom was? Because the Chilean Max Lord’s son sure didn’t look like dad. At all.
  12. How rapey was the 80’s? Boozy McDrunkAss seemed to be pulled out of central casting for character built to provide weak-written character motivation.
  13. What exactly was the plan of the dumbass robber dropping the little girl? Literally the entire mall at that point was looking at the guy. He couldn’t have thought dropping her would provide him cover at an escape.
  14. Why did Steve Trevor come back as a mind-snatching essence only Diana could see, when it was clear later in the film that the Dreamstone had no problem creating matter out of thin air?
  15. Why was Diana OK with boning a dude she didn’t know?
  16. How amazing exactly was Steve Trevor given that Diana knew him for maybe 30 days, tops? Yes, they covered a lot of ground in that time, but based on the script and presentation… All Diana did after 1918 was sulk and take pictures.
  17. Why didn’t anyone freak the hell out at Barbara pressing 300 pounds over her head like it was nothing? One assumes she had a membership to the gym, and while we know no one paid attention to her (she did wear glasses for Christ’s sake!)… certainly the staff might have noticed the little waif suddenly tossing iron like styrofoam.
  18. Did anyone think to check Maxwell Lord’s credit before treating him like royalty for saying he would be a partner-investor in the Smithsonian?
  19. Diana lists herself in the phonebook? One would think the clearly immortal Amazonian might be smarter than that, given that she clearly moves from place-to-place as people eventually realize she’s not aging…
  20. Steve died before the phonebook was even invented. Also, can’t state this enough: he knew Diana for roughly a month or so. You’re telling me he comes back to life after being dead for over 60 years, and the first thing he thinks to do is find that nice piece of tail he had in the war? (OK. Maybe I could answer that one. But still. Ew.)
  21. Why did all the Amazonians speak like Israelis?
  22. How is it after one lunch, Barbara feels like Diana has everything? She barely knows her.
  23. Thank you Film Theorists: Does Diana and Steve stop somewhere to fuel up on their plane ride from Washington DC to Cairo?
  24. Where exactly do they park a US Jet Fighter in Egypt?
  25. How did Steve Trevor figure out how to fly a plane whose only similarities to the ones he would have piloted previously be… has joystick… and do so basically in a few minutes?
  26. So can Diana make anything invisible if she concentrates hard enough? Do all Amazonians have this gift? Or just her because of her father?
  27. Does Diana understand invisible doesn’t remove an item from radar because she’s only masking the actual object and reflecting light from it?
  28. Again, I love the little name drop of Bialyia. Does this now setup Black Adam?
  29. How much was that telephone call Diana makes to Barbara from Cairo to DC? Who does she owe?!
  30. Did the guy Steve inhabits have friends? Family? I mean, we know he does — they hate his scarf. Did he get fired for being a no-call-no-show at work for several days?
  31. Will that guy also be in MASSIVE trouble for assaulting secret service and capital police in the attack on the White House?
  32. Barbara wishes to be beautiful, but literally all that happens is she takes off her glasses. Does this make Clark Kent an uggo?
  33. How did Maxwell Lord come to find out about the Dreamstone?
  34. How dumb is Lord then, that when he first sees the stone, to ask simply “may I see that?” Hold it. Make wish. No party subterfuge necessary!
  35. So when did Lord’s plan change from “I need all the power” to “I need all the power and to steal the life essence of everyone because this thing is making me sick?”
  36. Would it have killed Jenkins and Johns to toss in a few throwaway lines for Barbara to talk about apex predators at the beginning of the film? Crappy foreshadowing is still better than absolutely none-at-all.
  37. At the White House, Barbara is super strong and agile… but should have absolutely no prowess in a fight — based on all previous context clues as to her nerd-with-glasses-can’t-walk-in-heels characterization. Shouldn’t Diana — a warrior schooled in combat since birth be able to mop the floor with her?
  38. How many times watching this did you think “this couldn’t happen now because no one can touch anyone without hand sanitizer. Lord would be screwed!
  39. Diana flashed a badge to get her into the Smithsonian-with-secret-airstrip-and-fueled-jets… so will she be getting a bill for stealing that plane? Or are we to assume she and Trevor returned it in perfect working order?
  40. Why didn’t Lord just go to a doctor if he was feeling ill? How would he have known granting wishes was costing him his life exactly?
  41. Why didn’t Alex Ross get paid or get any credit for that armor?
  42. Are we to assume Bruce Wayne is either to young to have lost his folks in 1984, or not-yet-born? Because I’d bet the Kent farm that he wouldn’t recant that wish.
  43. Speaking of… Lord needed to touch people and hear their wishes. What sort of magic stone (now “absorbed into a man”) can telepathically hear and translate the wishes of millions of people all at once, with Lord only transmitting out to the populace?
  44. No one wished for world peace?
  45. Why did Alistair’s wish for his dad to be there right now not get granted? Was he on call waiting?
  46. How exactly did Diana’s lasso get around Max’s ankle if all we were shown was it being blown back by the random cave-beam Max was standing in?
  47. And no one ever mentions “that random July 5th when everyone’s wish came true for like half an hour?” in Justice League? That didn’t warrant the need for the Suicide Squad to be created?
  48. The God of Lies in Marvel? Tom Hiddleston. In DC? Dechalafrea Ero, left uncast. What… no soft-eyed Brits left to mine for thirsty geek girls?
  49. Given that the Dreamstone isn’t one of the literal dozens of magic artifacts or sky-stones of the actual DC comic book universe, again: Geoff Johns just gave up on the litany of other in-cannon items he could have mcguffined into the script?
  50. I guess we already had one decapitation-solving act 3 — thank you Man of Steel — so the neck-snapping Max Lord solution was out of the question?
  51. By the time Diana got to the satellite island, she’d gotten her powers back — you know, because she learned to cry because… a man told her it’s about wind, and he died, and she was sad about it. So, why exactly did she need the armor? Is she that shallow that she figured there was time enough with the world in chaos to go ahead and spruce-up her wardrobe?
  52. So after WW1, Wonder Woman never looked up any of Steve’s unit to commiserate? That’s pretty cold of her.
  53. Did Wonder Woman fight in WW2? Korea? Vietnam? Or did she sit those out too, because her honey bunny blowed up and she was awfaid she’d fall in love again? Boy, I sure wish we could have seen that in the cold open instead of unnecessary child actor plays Ninja Warrior for 10 minutes.
  54. Do you know what happens when toads get shocked by lightning? I don’t know either, but apparently Cheetah can withstand high voltage electrocution pretty damn well.
  55. Did the cinematography team miss Ang Lee’s Hulk? Did no one tell them “fight scenes in the dark, around a bunch of water, are really hard to visually depict. Especially in a movie where your fight scenes are really key to the genre.”
  56. No one wished for something simple like a turkey sandwich? Maybe it was a little dry, but still… who wouldn’t attempt a test-wish?
  57. Also, you have to assume like… tens of thousands of children would have been wishing for some crazy stuff. Flight perhaps? And what happens when they recant that, 10,000 feet above the Earth?
  58. Are all those people hired at Max Lord’s company now fired?
  59. Will that non-Reagan president be impeached for nearly starting thermonuclear war?
  60. We know that a depowered Diana’s “god-killer” bracelet smash didn’t work on Cheetah in the White House fight because she was losing her powers. Now back to full demi-god-mode though… you’d think Diana would just use that to stop Cheetah instead of all the theatrics? Again: she’s a trained warrior, and “apex predator” doesn’t mean “unstoppable hand-to-hand expert”.
  61. How the hell did Max get off the satellite island and back to his kid so quickly?
  62. Isn’t Max going to be hunted down by the FBI, CIA, and every cop in the United States for about several thousand crimes?
  63. And it’s not like Lord can hide. He’s got to be broke now, and thanks to his stunt, everyone on the planet should know his face and voice, rrrrrrright?
  64. Why didn’t Alistair wish for mommy? How bad must she be that with an angry mob barreling down the door, he’s still hoping for dad?!
  65. It’s cute that Diana namedrops the “Duke of Deception” which was in the comics… but you’d think perhaps they could hang a hat on Ares — the big bad of the first movie and one of very few decent villains Diana has in the comics — so that our McGuffin has some value to it being around instead of a literal plot device?
  66. Is Barbara in trouble for being involved in the attack inside the White House? Pretty sure she assaulted guards and murdered a guy.
  67. Let’s say she gets a pass… With all the wishes “broken”, can Barbara get contacts so she can retain her apparent Diana-level of hotness?
  68. When unnamed body-stolen guy gets his body back, you think he might be a BIT traumatized by waking up in the middle of town and coming home to his closet ransacked, and him missing a few days from his life like he had a blackout-level bender?
  69. While Lord was held by the Lasso of Truth, why didn’t Diana simply make him confess his crimes?
  70. Why did Steve initially freak out over fireworks? They had them in the 1910’s just fine.
  71. And why would Steve then decide to fly a plane full of combustible fuel into fireworks?
  72. Diana makes it clear in DC she wants to be anonymous, when she boomerang-destroys all the security cameras in the mall. Given that her costume doesn’t hide her identity in the least and she’s in plain view of dozens of people… Couldn’t any one of them could give a detailed description to the police if she’s considered a vigilante.
  73. The Easter Egg with Astiria at the end was cute, but what exactly is it implying (save only for paying homage to Linda Carter…)? That she didn’t actually die?
  74. What did Diana do with Trevor Ranch?
  75. Why does Diana go to bed with a full face of makeup?
  76. How awkward will it be around the water cooler on Monday morning when Diana and Barbara come in to work?
  77. Did Jenkins and Johns not see Bruce Almighty? That had a similar “everyone gets what they want” third act. It didn’t end well there either. But this happens before that movie takes place so… is Jim Carey stealing?!
  78. Can we place bets on the next Wonder Woman feature having Giganta as the villain? I’m guessing they’ll make Kate McKinnon play the part, and the only thing that gets enlarged is her ego.
  79. Is this the first movie where the hero wins by monologuing instead of punching?
  80. Is Diana the first hipster to proclaim she doesn’t have a TV like that’s something to be proud of?
  81. Did Jenkins and Johns also not see Liar Liar where an avid liar realizes he loves his son and that’s all that matters? But… again, WW84 technically predates Liar Liar so… Jim Carey is a THIEF!
  82. Think maybe the Kent’s wished for a kid, Martha got pregnant, and then had to renounce it? “And then you arrived Clark!”
  83. Can we get Captain Marvel to crossover in WW95 to teach Diana how to pass the Bechdel test?
  84. Last but not least: Why would every single person recant their wish because a woman they never knew told them to? It’s the 80’s. You’re not convincing me thousands of coked-up jackasses weren’t immediately thinking “who is dis broad barkin’ in my head. I won this lottery ticket fair and square cause the TV guy said so, damnit.”