Weird Scenes Inside the Gold Mind #096: The Great AMERICAN Virus

We live in a political world / In the cities of lonesome fear / Little by little / You turn in the middle / But you’re never sure why you’re here — Bob Dylan, “Political World,” 1989.

I am about to propose a hypothetical. If you are the least bit uncertain about the definition of that word, or you are associated with the Department of Homeland Security or any official law enforcement agency, or if you are a knee-jerk right-winger who believes in magical thinking and that “Black Lives Matter” means you are in greater danger now than you were before police were called out for their unchallenged murder of Black people, please use this convenient link so you know what I mean by “hypothetical.”

O.K. And now for my hypothetical.

Let’s say a lone gunperson assassinates this president. Shoots him dead. I mean, red blood gushing from orange skin with a chunk of dyed-blonde hair flying into Mike Pence’s lap dead. Hypothetical, remember? The gunperson is arrested and stands trial for first-degree murder, as well as whatever other charges that give Attorney General Barr an erection.

The Accused enters a plea of self-defense.

I think that might work. There’s a logical case that can be made for self-defense. Now, I told you this is a hypothetical argument, and if you think my scenario is a good idea, I’ll add that despite the worthiness of that plea it will remain quite likely that the Accused will still get the Needle, if not the firing squad at dawn. But the self-defense argument, if made with precise, calm logic, is understandable.

What are we up to now, about 133,000 deaths in the past 18 weeks? How many of those deaths were preventable if Trump did his job? If he didn’t constantly whine and stamp his very tiny feet demanding that America be “reopened” because the American Virus will “simply fade away on its own,” if he wore a goddamned mask in public instead of turning the consideration of others into a badge of cowardice, if he had required six-foot distancing at his high school spirit rallies? As little as, say… half? What, preventing 70,000 American deaths isn’t a good thing?

Canada has, by and large, closed its borders to America. So has the European Union — hell, they the same number of Covid deaths in the entirety of the E.U. the week before last as we had in Arizona.

And… get this! Mexico closed some or all of its border to Arizona! Now it’s American seniors who are digging the tunnels, but they’re heading south for their safety.

2020 sure is a great year for irony, isn’t it?

So I have adopted the phrase “American Virus,” which has been in common usage in various parts of this world. It’s fair, and now it’s accurate. Of course, by “American Virus” I mean what President Shit-For-Brains refers to as the “kung flu.” And his sycophants have the temerity to prove their stupidity by saying “no, all lives matter.” Hypocrisy, thy name is the Republican Party.

Check out the editorial cartoon at the right, no pun intended. It’s from the Anderson Kansas County Review. There ain’t nobody dying from the American Virus in Kansas, right?

Nah. I’m just messing with you, you raging bigots. The Orange Evil should be your president. Make American Virus Great Again. American Virus First!

Donald J. Trump. America’s hypothetical president.