So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #064: Dear Mr. Cornette

Dear Corny,

Can I call you Corny? Probably not. I don’t know you personally. But I address you as such because you’re undeserving of a more formal address like Mr. Cornette.

I wanted to write you today to specifically respond to a few of your opinions you’ve infected the world with lately. Specifically these:

On WWE’s Becky Lynch (Rebecca Quinn):

“This is a multi-million dollar talent and she tells me she’s pregnant? What the fuck?” Cornette continues. “This is like one of the boys breaking his leg on purpose while he’s on top. You can control this, this is not like a fuckin’ injury. This could have been controlled. It’s not like I don’t never want them to have children, but when both of you have top spots where you can make seven fuckin’ figures a year and blah, blah, blah. Wait three years and have a fuckin’ baby.”

And on WWE’s Dana Brooke (Ashley Sebera):

“Her entire face looks like it was remodeled after somebody set fire to it and put it out with an axe. What the f**k has happened? Did she do that on purpose or was she in a horrible accident? What the f**k?”

Well, Jimmy? Let’s get a few caveats out of the way. You’re entitled to hold any opinion you want. You’re more than welcome to spread that opinion on any platform willing to present you. And folks who follow you have the right to agree with your musings. Cool? Cool.

That being said, I assume one of two things is true. The aforementioned opinions presented were a work or a shoot. Ahh, that’s right — you cheeseburger-guzzling-malcontent — I’m one of those SmartMarks™.

If your shared bile was a work (for the uninitiated reading along, that means “fake for the sake of the façade of pro-wrestling”)? I applaud you. Those are some next-level insults you’re firing off from your bully pulpit. But let’s go ahead and assume instead you were shooting (which, for our non-wrestling pals, means that you were being honest, and “outside” the concocted drama that the WWE and their ilk produce as fiction).

You’ve shown — now more than ever — why the only platform you have left is your own. No company worth their salt will hire you anymore. And it’s in part because you fire off insane drivel as I referenced above. But I’ll drop all the preamble and niceties from here on out. As you’ve proven, you’re not worth being cordial with.

As it turns out, Becky Lynch and Dana Brooke have control over their lives and bodies. And neither asked you for your vile opinion of them, or their decisions.

Becky Lynch has enjoyed her time at the top. She fought, and scratched, and clawed from the bottom of the roster to have the entire industry at her doorstep. She main-evented Wrestlemania. And, for a year and change, has held the RAW Women’s Title until Shayna Baszler was ready to be called up. For whatever his reasons were in the booking, Vince had Becky retain at this year’s Mania against her. My personal opinion (thanks for asking) is Becky should have lost there. The stories were starting to get regurgitated (typical of WWE’s writers these days). But I digress. Becky remained on top of the roster. This past week, she announced she is pregnant, and as such, will be taking time off. I watched the same segment you did. It was awkward — as I believe Asuka truly didn’t know what was going on, in order to get the best reaction. Sure, her reaction broke kayfabe — and she’s been a dastardly heel lately — but as the WWE is apt to do these days… they let down the fourth wall to give the smart marks a little moment to share with one another. Clearly this bothered you. But guess what, ya fat fuk? Rebecca Quin can have a child whenever she damn well pleases. She should wait three years? When the business right now is literally crippled by the Coronavirus? How stupid is you, really? But let me restate it slowly, so the cheese in your brain can get out of the way:

Women can do what they want, when they want, and your opinion of those choices are wholly irrelevant. And hey, far as I can tell from what the internet provides by way of research, you’ve not fathered any children. I suppose that’s really for the best.

As for Dana Brooke? It’s clear she decided to get some cosmetic surgery done (or some set of procedures, who cares). It’s clear you don’t particularly like the results. But of all the people who should pontificate on personal aesthetics, you fall flatly to the rock bottom of the barrel. Whatever Ashley Sebera chooses to do to her body is, again (pay attention), her choice. And it’s not meant to come part-in-parcel with your critique. Far as I can tell? A new look for Dana Brooke doesn’t hinder her continued improvements in the ring, and her (at times) humorous backstage segments. For the record, by the way, the backstage segment hokeyness isn’t her fault either. But I digress.

Look. Keep giving an opinion about booking, in-ring work, and storylines. You’ve earned that much. You’ve done amazing things across decades in the business. But firing off attacks against anyone’s personal choices isn’t an opportunity for you to pontificate. Lest we remind your bald, hacky, aging, fat ass how you can’t even hold a job at IMPACT. Maybe you should go under the knife for a personality replacement, you dinosaur hemorrhoid on the ass of a dead decade. Shove your tennis racket up your ass or down your throat… whichever shuts you up faster.


Everyone everywhere with a brain.