I’m the world’s Madonna, donna, donna / I’m needed from Belfast to Bangladesh / So many grievous wrongs / For me to right with tedious songs / But I know you’ll always be there to fall back on – Tony Hendra, Pull The Tremors, from National Lampoon’s Radio Dinner, 1972

It’s been a long time since I’ve been accused of being a bleeding heart liberal. Given that my political views are all over the map with a noticeable preponderance for the ridiculously far left, it’s likely that in my heart-of-hearts I am just too damn aggressive to be any sort of liberal per se.

Therefore, as I look at these idiots marching in front of their sundry state capitol buildings I gleefully acknowledge they have the same right (and/or lack thereof) to protest as I do. Gathering in close order with few if any signs of protection from our current plague actually promotes a sense of calm within my very bosom. To these individuals who are willing to risk horrible death and to pass along that risk to their friends, family and co-workers, I say “Right on! Keep up the great work! Thin your herd to the bone, you soulless nincompoops! Don’t stop!!!”

See? I’m not a bleeding heart liberal. Clearly, I’m in favor of some hearts bleeding, which actually is contrary to commonly-held liberal beliefs. But not everybody’s, of course. When it comes to the hearts of these particular walking malignancies, hey, fine. Bleed away, motherfuckers! To quote Tony Hendra, “We’re with you all the way / Just across the bay.”

The cherry on top of the lunatic sundae are the shots of all these fools waiving their guns at the camera as though they were going to shoot the virus, as though that would serve as their protection. My friends, you just gotta love that! I mean, it saddens me to know that a few of these folks might be able to breed, although, evidently, not without the assistance of latex gloves, small plastic cups and large Pyrex test tubes, so in this case prophylactic measures need to be a bit extreme. The photographs clearly show they have embraced that challenge.

Yup. All power to the correct people!

The yang to this yin is that, a couple days ago, Germany officially cancelled Oktoberfest. Let us set aside the fact that “Oktoberfest” starts in mid-September. Let us focus on the fact that it’s still April, and Germans, who have been known to appreciate their beer, seem to be alright with the cancellation.

I have yet to see a single news photo of Teutonic malcontents goose-stepping in the streets demanding their bock beer. Meanwhile, these idiots in America are whipping out their outrage because not being able to freely infect others with a deadly disease is some sort of constitutional right. I am not impressed.

So what do the Germans know about about quarantines that we don’t seem to understand? After all, they just cancelled one of their biggest annual moneymakers five months in advance!

For one thing, they know how to read a graph. They also know that, historically, such communicable diseases spread like a sumbitch in the fall, when (among other things) many humans already are weakened by the annual flu.

The last thing you’d want would be exposure to a fatal virus while your immune system is weakened by the flu. Defying that logic is not just the act of people with tiny penises, it’s an act of massive stupidity, unfathomable ego and overwhelming self-righteousness and self-centeredness.

Hmmm. “Massive stupidity, unfathomable ego and overwhelming self-righteousness and self-centeredness.” I wonder where they got that idea.

I’m saving a special face mask for Tuesday, November 3rd. You know… just in case. If I’m going to risk death, it’s going to be for a really great cause.

Therefore, make peace with your god / Whatever you conceive him to be / Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin. / With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal / The world continues to deteriorate. / Give up! – Tony Hendra, Deteriorata, from National Lampoon’s Radio Dinner, 1972