Instant Karma’s gonna get you / Gonna knock you right on the head / You better get yourself together / Pretty soon you’re gonna be dead…
Welcome to our first edition of Weird Scenes Inside The Covid Mind…
Yin: According to published reports, crime is down about five percent; of course, your results might vary.
Yang: On the other hand, domestic violence is up 10%. Add that to the ridiculous increase of gun sales – what, you’re gonna shoot Covid-19? – and we might have a whole ‘nother problem real soon.
Wha?: The term “coronababies” is a thing. If you think diapers are hard to get right now, just wait until November.
Hmm: If we make it through this relatively intact, and keep a pleasant thought, we will have the internet to thank. It doesn’t prevent the stir-crazy, but it does mitigate it.
Feh: Bailout for Boeing? Well, I try to be loyal to my landsman companies, but these profit-over-lives money worshippers deserve to go blooie – even if they swear on a pile of Boeing 737 Max 8 parts that they won’t spend a penny of it on stock buybacks. I should point out that when the government bailout terms were near completion two days ago, Boeing’s stock skyrocketed. 33 billion dollars to the greatest gathering of corporate assholes in America – the airline industry – while the Blue states are given Green Stamps. And when it comes to buybacks…
Clong: … any corporation that uses taxpayer money for stock buybacks should have its board members stripped naked, shaven, tarred and feathered and sent into exile, preferably to Saint Helena, assuming the hot tar hasn’t caused their bladders to explode. Right now, I’m fine with that.
Yup: According to the Washington Post, Great Britain’s top divorce lawyer, Fiona Shackleton (who has represented folks including Paul McCartney and Madonna), told Parliament “The prediction amongst divorce lawyers is that following self-imposed confinement it is very likely that the divorce rate will rise.” Well… yeah…
Shock!: Did you happen to notice Dr. Anthony Fauci, head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, was not on the briefing room podium on Monday evening? The lone face of intelligent, informed thinking in the White House disappeared for a while after he told Science Magazine that it was a bitch to be up there when “things are being said that aren’t true and aren’t factual… I can’t jump in front of the microphone and push him down.” This statement might very well have set a new high bar for government honesty. Lucky for Doctor Anthony, at seventy-nine years old he’s eligible for Medicare.
Hey Now: It is so damn fitting that Doctor Oz is leading the Fox Fake News paranoia-sells caravan. Mehmet Oz is a real doctor, complete with a gig as a cardiothoracic surgeon and a Columbia University job. He is also a leading proponent of fake science – excuse me, pseudoscience – so who better to sit next to the liars at Fox Fake News. Whatever he says, I sure hope Tucker and Laura and Sean pay close attention.
$$$: There was supposed to be a huge comic book convention in Boston in two months; obviously, that’s history. It was cancelled and everybody was supposed to get their appropriate refund. The promoter, ACE Universe, had employed GrowTix (Patron Technologies) to provide provided ticketing services and event management software and when the show got shit-canned, ACE gave GrowTix over two-thirds of a million bucks to facilitate refunds. That didn’t happen, so now ACE has sued Patron for “stealing millions of dollars,” for breach of contract and for fraud. According to The Hollywood Reporter both outfits agreed to cover refunds in case of cancellation. As of this writing, Patron has declined to respond to THR’s inquiries.
And, finally if not fatally: A couple days ago our Fake President told a live town hall broadcast on Fox News that he wanted to see businesses reopen on or before Easter. That’s April 12th. That is seventeen days from today. Right now, Covid-19 cases are doubling every three days. That might drop off within seventeen days, if we’re lucky. If it continues at this pace – no matter how The Orange Plague continues to doctor the books (for example, if you’re on a cruise ship, you do not count) the number of cases globally would be in the neighborhood of fourteen million patients by Easter Sunday.
I know. I can’t rap my head around that number either. Let’s say that doesn’t happen, that somehow things will level off before then. It won’t be gone by April 12, and if you think that’s even possible then you should listen to a few Michael Crichton audiobooks.
Are you going to follow the president’s directive? Let’s say you’re not on spring break. Let’s say you’re over sixty, or you’ve got diabetes, or respiratory issues, or you aren’t Charles Atlas or Bernarr MacFadden. Would you stand in Donald Trump’s popcorn line?
Right now, there’s only one thing on this planet more dangerous than Covid-19.
Instant Karma’s gonna get you / Gonna knock you off your feet / Better recognize your brothers / Ev’ryone you meet / Why in the world are we here / Surely not to live in pain and fear / Why on Earth are you there / When you’re ev’rywhere / Come and get your share • “Instant Karma,” John Lennon, 1970. As below, so above.
