So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #055: Hole In Won

A while back, I’d admitted to having never seen Top Gun. I was commanded to rectify the situation. I did, and capturing my hot takes on a virgin viewing. I presented said takes here on Pop Culture Squad. My friends? I’ve never seen a bigger reaction to my reactions. I’ve written a few pieces on the ole’ interwebs over the last decade or so I’ve been truly proud of. Pieces that unearthed old friends, made me new friends, or defriended bad friends. Well, none of those pieces apparently came close to the engagement gained over declaring:

I love how Johnny Exposition sets us up about a dozen times throughout the movie. “Welcome, all you Top Gun Fighter Pilots, today is day 4 of your 12 day schooling. It’s clear that Maverick is in second place to Iceman because he’s just too cocky for his own damn good. Today your assignment will be to fly planes again, but this time Maverick needs to be a team player, except when the mission demands he become a cocky cock-sure cock who’d cock up the mission to see us win. America!”

Well, the interwebs demanded I deep dive into the litany of flicks I’ve yet to see, due to my sheltered suburbanite over-protective-Jewish-mom-upbringing. So here goes. My hot takes on Caddyshack.

  • My lord, how Catholic is this family? And what the hell does it have to do with a gopher? Also, Papa Mustache asking “who is this” may be the funniest thing I’ve seen all year.
  • Ahh the 80’s. When people can’t walk out a front door. Squares!
  • Harold Ramis on writing and directing cred? Yup. I’m in. “You do drugs?” “Everyday.” “Good.” I’m double in.
  • College is $8,000 in whatever year this is, and I’m convinced Bernie Sanders was screaming mad when he heard it then, too.
  • This old man screaming about the gofer must moonlight as “Evil Dean” in every frat movie every made. He has only 3 facial expressions. Smarmy. Douchey. Outraged. (I later learned this was his final film, and he should have been given an Oscar for his heel work in this flick)
  • Holy crap, so THAT is where Groundskeeper Willy comes from. I’m 8:27 into this movie and my whole life has been a lie.
  • I love Bill Murray. I do. But… he was putting a pitchfork into a kids neck, and I’m not used to movies allowing for this level of tomfoolery. Also Tiny Tony Danza Smoker Douche-Caddy clearly is Cobra Kai. And then… uhhh…. Some dude jumps Nice Guy Lead Kid from the roof because… reasons? (Later on, I would glean he’s Tiny Tony Danza’s brother. Good to know.)
  • In Things That Don’t Fly in 2019, we have… uhhh… Porterhouse? This movie postdates Blazing Saddles, so I better see that man deliver Dean Golfdoucher a Candygram before the end of this film. Of course, like 3 seconds later, Judge Dean Douchegolfer said “colored boy”, and Porterhouse started grinding his shoes. I can breathe again!
  • Holy fuck, I’m 17 seconds into Rodney Dangerfield’s cold-open, and I can’t see straight. He told more zingers in those 17 seconds than all the jokes in all the jokes in every Seth Rogan movie combined. Praise be. Also? Is the thing with his character “obnoxiously rich for no reason”? If so? I award this movie 10,000 points.
  • GOLFBALL IN THE GROIN. 20,000 points. “Fore? I shoulda’ yelled two!”. 40,000 points.
  • So about 30 minutes in, I think we have a plot. Nice Guy Catholic Lead Who Is Totally Making Babies With Irish Hot Dog Waitress needs to help Judge Dean Douchegolfer in the Caddy Tournament to beat Chevy Chase so he can rig the system to win the scholarship to go to college. I think. Let me guess… He screws over angry whitey, Chase or Dangerfield set up him to go to school anyways. Or… strong second guess… He crane kicks Tony Danza to win the tournament.
  • If there was literally anything in the script short of Let Rodney say whatever the fuck he wants for a beat, don’t ruin it for me. Holy shit he just cut a fart. 200,000 points. He threw money at the band and they instantly got a synth player. He dances (and dresses) like he’s on acid. 23,000 more points.
  • “Hey Harold. Chevy. Yeah. I’d like to be in your next movie. What do I wanna do? Be the coolest guy in the world. Wait, Rodney Dangerfield? OK fine. Second coolest guy. Oh! And I want to snort salt, but for the sake of filming, make it coke. Also, I do this funny thing where I go nanananananana. Work that in somehow.”
  • Holy crap. Lou is Brian Doyle-Murray. THIN Brian Doyle-Murray. And I think they must have done enough takes of him yelling his voice got stuck that way.
  • Oh! The Caddy Tournament is a tournament for caddies. So, what exactly did Doucheydean want? Wait. The tourney is over in like 4 minutes, and we’re already getting naked on a bed with Irish McLoveInterest? Man, this movie works fast!
  • The caddies are allowed 15 minutes in the pool? No wonder they decide to break all known pool laws! So much tomfoolery! But I guess it was all worth it for the synchronized portion of the afternoon. Is this what cocaine did to people in the 80’s?
  • If this movie didn’t triple Baby Ruth sales I’ll eat my beard.
  • Mark it! It took 52 minutes and 47 seconds into this movie to make me say out loud “how much of a dick bag must Chevy Chase be in real life, anyways?” Also, has anyone done a paternity test on Spaulding in real life? Cause if that’s not Chase’s kid, I’ll eat my beard.
  • In Things That Don’t Fly in 2019, we have… “I got this grass from a negro!” 10 bucks says it was Poterhouse, and it’s actually oregano.
  • The watersports scene must have given John Landis the biggest boner he’s ever
  • Catholic Lead Not-Steve-Guttenberg-Caddy-Boy cheated on Irish Waitress Girl, and I’m losing the will to live. Until, of course “That must be the tea.” … Way to save my ennui, movie!
  • That note above about Dangerfield not having a script? They clearly gave the same notes to Bill Murray. But unlike Dangerfield, Murray is scaring me. He’s got a shed of bodyparts somewhere on set. I’m nearly certain.
  • In Things That Don’t Fly in 2019 we jumped from electrifying a bishop into an expat atheist to a frank and earnest discussion about abortion and wedlock. Somewhere after those scenes, Judd Apatow had the biggest boner he’s ever enjoyed.
  • OK! One hour and thirteen minutes in and now I think we have a plot! Rodney and Chevy have to beat GlowerDouche JudgePants and Unassuming Dr. White Guy for $40,000, which based on inflation would be… $360 Billion in today money. Somehow, this will involve Danny (I finally looked his name up) needing to choose between cool and right and racist and evil. Bill Murray and the gofer get married.
  • And suddenly this whole movie was about class warfare, and the caddies love their l’il Catholic wunderboy? Sure, why not. Also, after Bill blew up the golf course? Michael Bay had the biggest boner he’s ever enjoyed. “Hey everybody, we’re gonna get laid!”
  • “Well? We’re waiting.” This seals it. Adam Sandler got wicked-high, watched this movie once, and when the fog cleared, the script of Happy Gilmore, sponsored by Subway™ was laying neatly on the rug in front of him. Fight me.