So Long and Thanks for the Fish, Man #044: “I want to take your guns away.”

I’m done making excuses, personally. I’m done forgiving, allowing exceptions, or offering platitudes to the other side. I have been lucky that no one I know has been affected by gun violence specifically. That even in that assertion I am not fully sure of it — considering all of the recent mass shootings — seals the deal. My name is Marc Alan Fishman, and I absolutely want to take all your guns away from you and everyone you know.

But Marc, the second amendment —

Was written in 1792. In order to ensure townsfolk could own a musket to help form militias to defend their state.

But Marc, there’s good guys with guns too—

And did they stop the mass shootings in El Paso, Virginia Beach, Brooklyn, South Bend, Aurora, Chippewa Falls, San Jose, White Swan, Livingston, Ascension Parish, Livingston Parish, Sebring, Gilroy, and Los Angeles (to name a few)… No. They didn’t.

It’s not a girth of armed citizens that stop homicidal maniacs from shooting people.

But Marc, if a bad guy wants a gun badly enough—

That’s why I want to take all of your guns. And the guns your friends own. And the guns in the gun shops. And the guns at the flea market. And the guns on the street. The only people I’d like to have guns? Police. And the armed forces. You know. People who are regularly scrutinized and educated and licensed and accountable and are more often than not, mentally balanced. If we take away the rest of the guns, it becomes really really really really really hard for bad guys to get guns unless they are crafty. Because right now?  Getting a gun is too easy.

But Marc, we have waiting periods and —

Make the waiting period 5 days, plus one day for each person killed by a gun that should not have been sold. Then introduce licensing, registration, background checks, mental acuity and temperament testing, and routine inspections. Too much? Too little by my estimation.

But Marc, what about hunting and —

Use a bow and arrow. Or a knife. Or the martial arts. I’ll have way more respect for you when you kill a 12 point buck in the backwoods when you do so by crane kick.

But Marc, how would you even begin to take away all the —

Oh, easy. Tomorrow will be “give us your guns day”. We’ll have sanctioned and authorized members of the police and military create some collection centers. You come and drop off all your guns and ammo. We give you a sticker. Like when you vote! Then, the day after tomorrow, if you own a gun and it’s not licensed and registered to you through the armed forces or police? We fine you a crippling amount of money. When you turn in all your guns and ammo after a thorough inspection, we’ll waive like 90% of that fee. The money we collect will be used to fund this life-saving endeavor. We’ll also be green-lighting legislation that prevents the importing of now-illegal weaponry from any other country. We’ll be telling all the gun and ammo manufacturers in this country to learn how to make solar panels, turbines, and American Flags.

But Marc, plenty of other countries have even worse gun problems than America —

Australia let one mass shooting dictate the law for their country. ONE. Are you saying Australia is better than America at something? Now who’s the snowflake…

But Marc, certainly you know some gun owners out there —

I sure do. And I absolutely love them with all my heart. But it doesn’t mean for a second I agree with their right to own and operate an instrument of murder. It’s not that hard to understand. I can love someone even when I don’t agree with everything they think, say, or do. And when it concerns their ownership of even a single operational firearm no matter how well they keep it under lock and key, or otherwise own their firearm… I think it’s wholly unnecessary. Full stop.

But Marc… don’t you own like 50+ Nerf guns and —

59, in fact. And guess what? The millisecond there’s a mass shooting resulting in death and injury with a Nerf gun? I’ll be first in line with my collection to turn in and ritually burn.

But Marc, some of your arguments don’t account for—

All of the dead brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers slain needlessly due to our country’s obsession over gun ownership. You go ahead and form your well-written, well-researched, intelligently presented retort to any of my points above… and you go present them to anyone who has lost someone due to senseless mass shootings. Have them initial and date your argument. Get it notarized. Place it into a size A10 envelope. Address it to Marc Alan Fishman. Put a Forever Stamp on it. Now shove it up your ass.