My local newspaper (those things we used to wrap fish) says “Many Democrats view (marijuana) legalization as an opportunity to reverse some of the effects of the War on Drugs, increase state revenue and invest in urban communities. But Republicans and some Democrats believe the social costs of legalization – particularly concerns about driving under the influence, teen use and addiction – outweigh the benefits.”

Well, if that’s true — and it’s right there in black-and-white, so it must be true — then Republicans and some Democrats are a bunch of idiots who have been living under a rock… and that comment embraces truthiness. It’s like these people were hiding in church until the flood receded. America’s become a different place, whether these busybodies like it or not.

Teen use of marijuana? Legalization has nothing to do with that. Nothing whatsoever. In fact, if your friendly neighborhood teen wants some marijuana and he/she/it can’t get any, there’s something seriously wrong with that kid. I’d suggest the child is too stoned to get up and score some weed, but most likely he’s just too whacked out to go upstairs and dig through his parents’ dresser.

But if you’re a parent who is afraid your kids might discover you smoke weed… congratulations! Now you know how your kid feels. Of course, if you get busted for possession you’ve already got a job (probably), you might be able to hide the whole thing and if you’re white you’d simply pay a fine… at worst. If your kid gets busted for possession, he is going to have an arrest record and somebody will see it and deny him that first job.

Then there’s the “driving under the influence” bit. My first response: tens of millions of Americans have smoked marijuana in the preceding 30 days, which is about the length of time evidence of THC use stays in your system. This has been going on for over a half-century. Actually, it’s been going on forever, but us Baby Boomer are not known for our self-restraint. Whatever. If this were a major concern, most stoners would be driving very, very slowly so they won’t get pulled over by an officer looking for Yogi Bear’s picnic basket. But first, they’d have to pull themselves up off the floor — a neat trick when you’re in that condition — and brush off all the Oreo crumbs.

MADDies, get real: if your grandchild is hit by an altered driver, it doesn’t matter how that driver got altered. Alcohol, weed, pharmaceuticals, over-the-counter medicines, lack of sleep or an inability to open a bottle of 5-Hour one-handed, your grandchild is in the same situation. Personally, I think people who can’t fix their clocks after a seasonal time change should be perceived as too stupid to drive.

To the extent that stoners go nuts from the munchies and must have food, two words provide the necessary cure: Über Eats. Don’t forget to tip your driver.

This is what happens when we allow people personally or financially beholden to the alcohol industry to write our laws. They have a hidden agenda. They want you to drive to the local bar, get so pissed that the bartender is afraid he’ll lose his liquor license, get into a fight, pick up some really ugly person, and drive to he/she/it’s home and try to get laid before passing out.

These are situations from which, by and large, stoners are immune. Stoners rarely go out to get stoned. Even if that wasn’t against the law, it’s a serious downer. Stoners don’t get into bar fights because that requires things that don’t happen when you’re ingesting weed. You don’t feel aggressive or hostile. All stoners want to do is lay around testing Oreo’s newest flavors and the only time they get belligerent is when somebody hordes the vape pen.

The commercial prison industry brings in some $4 billion each year, and that doesn’t count the $1.6 billion they make on prison commissary sales. Add to that the profit from those short phone calls made by inmates at $15 a pop.

The biggest problem are the high-falutin’ busybodies who think their decrepit “morality” should be imposed upon everybody else. These are the folks who tried to ban liquor sales nearly 100 years ago, but that didn’t work out and it lead to the expansion of organized crime. So a few years after the repeal of prohibition they got marijuana illegalized — in part to limit immigration from Latin America. What comes around, goes around. These are people who believe Reefer Madness is a documentary, that smoking grass leads to a lifetime of despair, degradation and the promulgation of the godless rock ’n’ roll culture.

Screw them. This is where I refer the essential old-school conservative philosophy: mind your own damn business!!! The greatest harm caused by marijuana since 1937 has been incarceration.

So unless you’re a shareholder in a private prison corporation or in Anheuser-Bush, the growth of legalization gives you very, very to be worried about.