Warning: This recap contains nothing but spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones. If you are reading this before seeing the episode “The Last of the Starks”, you are doing it wrong.
Since HBO doesn’t release the episode titles until hours after the show airs, the internet unanimously named last week’s episode The Battle of Winterfell. The official title, The Long Night, was released long after everyone had published with their placeholder title intact. What will the winner be for episode four? I’m going Winter Winter Chicken Dinter.
In the title sequence, we see the gears of Winterfell malfunctioning in the great hall. That’s what I was afraid of. This episode has everybody snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. The only people who don’t fuck up are the ones who died last week.
And we start with them, at dawn. Jon shouts a loud eulogy in front of the hundred pyres of Northmen, Wildlings, Dothraki, and Unsullied. Everyone near the top of the call sheet grabs a torch and picks a favorite corpse to gaze sadly at. As the fire burns, the black smoke obscures the gathered mourners and the castle itself.
I assume everyone goes to sleep for a good 14 hours, because it’s nighttime again in out next scene. We’re in the great hall, toasting the victory. Gendry is looking for Arya and is stopped by Dany so she can name him Lord Gendry Baratheon of Storm’s End. This is the last smart thing anyone will do this episode.
Drunken Tormund praises his crow-bro loudly, and Dany realizes she’s alone and unpopular in Winterfell.
The Brothers Lannister play a Never-Have-I-Ever-style drinking game with Brienne and Podrick, where Brienne’s virginity is revealed. She rises to leave and finally Tormund attempts a smooth pick up line about shitting his pants. I’m sure it would have worked, had Jaime not been there to cock block him. And just like that, the good ship Briemund is dashed against the rocks.
Tormund cries into his milk with the Hound until a pair of serving girls express interest. Tormund may be the quickest rebounder since Duckie Dale, but the Hound shoots down the second young lady, leaving her the only person who didn’t screw the pooch this episode.
Sansa sits with Sandor who says she would have avoided the horrors of Littlefinger and the Boltons if she’d left King’s Landing with him when he asked. She tells him she wouldn’t have become the person she is without them. Sandor seems unconvinced that rape and gaslighting are the only means of a female character’s development.
Gendry finds Arya and proposes to her like a goddamn idiot. What the fuck did you think was going to happen, dipshit? “Hey, I know you’re like super good at revenge murdering. Wanna give that all up and marry your first lover like the 35-year-old in the letterman jacket drinking beer in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot? No?” For fuck’s sake, that’s dumb even for a Baratheon.
Jaime brings wine to Brienne’s room and asks her what’s up with this Tormund guy before he uses the old “It’s getting hot in here” line. She help him with his buttons because Westeros doesn’t have Velcro. She insists on removing her own shirt because drunken lefties take all day. He’s fortunate Westeros doesn’t have 4-hook underwires either.
Dany and Jon have a stupid heart-to-heart about how they are going to fuck everything up. She says it doesn’t matter whether he wants to be king or not, if people know his birthright, they’ll insist he take the throne. She is, of course, absolutely correct. Neither dipshit proposes marriage, so that’s going to lead to a lot of dead people.
The war council gathers and takes stock of their remaining forces. Sansa suggests they rest their armies (and torn up dragons), but Dany insists on moving south immediately. Jon & Davos will ride south with most of the troops, while Dany takes her entourage to Dragonstone by sea. Any guesses on how that’s going to work out?
The last of the Starks meet in the Godswood to make Jon feel bad. Arya & Sansa swear to keep his secret and lJon ets Bran explain who Aegon Targaryen is.
Ser Bronn interrupts Jaime and Tyrion to Bronn all over the scenery. Tyrion outbids Cersei by offering him the rather posh Highgarden, former home of the Tyrells. I’m not convinced that Bronn won’t accidentally be king by the end of May.
Sandor heads south and is joined by Arya. They both have some killing to do and only three hours left in the show to make a Hope and Crosby road movie.
Sansa really fucks everything up by breaking her promise to Jon at the first chance. Tyrion is trying to get her to play nice with Dany and she spills the fucking beans. Goddamnit, Sansa.
Tormund says goodbye to Jon and announces he and the wildlings are headed North of the wall. Jon asks him to take Ghost with him, where he’ll be happier. Yeah, that’s right. Jon is giving up his direwolf, the last bit of his Starkness, and doesn’t even say goodbye to the poor one-eared son of a bitch. Off all the pooches this episode, poor Ghost gets screwed the most.
Yay, Little Sam will have a sibling! I wonder if Sam and Gilly will end up back at Horn Hill with his sister or if he’ll be a Maester somewhere. Sadly, I think he’ll be Hand of the King for Aegon the Northman, fifth or so of his name.
Tyrion tells the schemiest schemer in all of schemeworld that Jon has a better claim on the throne, because of course he fucking does. Then he’s all like, no killing Dany, right? Goddammit, Tyrion. Get the Targaryen kids married and THEN tell Varys. Asshole.
Dany’s fleet triumphantly arrive at Dragonstone and Rhaegal gets surprise-shot in the neck and fucking dies. Dany dropped the ball on her aerial recon task because she is too busy looking at her tired dragon fly all wobbly with his torn-to-shit wing (that maybe could have used a few weeks recovery, like Sansa suggested). Euron’s fleet just hid behind some rocks until he got the drop on Dany and her fleet. Goddamnit, Dany! She flies away and leaves the whole fleet to be torn up by squiddy ballistas. The survivors wash up on shore, but Missandei is missing. Euron is super good at kidnapping women, yo.
Cersei is letting all the smallfolk enter the Red Keep, for their “protection”. She’s betting thousands of human shields will keep her from getting roasted, so she orders the gates to be left open. You know, so teen assassins and their companion can waltz right in next week. Euron gets the bogus news that he’s going to be a father. Cersei just can’t help herself when it comes to lying about her kids’ daddies.
At Dragonstone, they plan to confront Cersei and demand her surrender. Varys and Tyrion argue about dicks and treason, with Varys all but saying he’s got a plan to kill Dany. That’s just fucking great.
In Winterfell, they get the news of Dany’s defeat. Jaime leaves in the middle of the night to head to King’s Landing. Brienne begs him to stay, but he tells her all the awful shit he’s done for his sister and rides off. Good thing the gates are open at the Red Keep so he can walk right in and get in the Murder Cersei queue.
Dany besieges King’s Landing with twenty Unsullied, one dragon, a few lost newsies, and a banana cart. Tyrion conveys her demands and tries to appeal to his sister’s maternal side, letting everyone know about her pregnancy. Cersei declines to just kill Tyrion already, but has Missandei killed just to be a dick. Missandei’s last word is “Dracarys”, which is High Valyrian for “Let this motherfucker burn”. And burn this motherfucker will. Goddamnit, Cersei!
Well, fuck. I admit I’m surprised how far everyone went out of their way to do the dumbest shit possible. Even Varys manage to step on his own dick. Will Dany be actively burning thousands of innocents when Jon arrives? How long do you think it’ll take Euron to wonder why Tyrion knew about this baby? Will Ghost run off to find Nymeria in the Woods of Discarded Stark Pets? Can anyone fix any of this shit in the next two weeks?