Warning: This recap contains nothing but spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones. If you are reading this before seeing the episode “Knight of the Seven Kingdoms”, you are doing it wrong.
Okay, opening sequence sprint. Everyone ready? Go!
It’s that astrolabe thingy, then beyond the wall, through the Eastwatch breach, south a tick to Last Hearth surrounded in ice. Over the frozen flippy tiles toward Winterfell as the fortifications go up. Through the Godswood, into the great hall, down to the crypts, then back up to the astrolabe thingy. *deep breath* Swoop to King’s Landing, down the Red Keep, Chekhov’s ballista, dragon face, pointy chair, astrolabe, aaaaannnnnd… GAME OF THRONES!
Nice work everyone.
We suspected that this episode would be an hour long remix of One Day More, and we weren’t wrong. But first, Jaime has to break the news to Dany and everyone else he’s ever fucked over that Cersei has lied to them all and now has Essos’ most glittery mercenary company as well as Euron’s fleet. He asks Dany and Sansa to let him fight (and maybe not get fed to a dragon). They aren’t very receptive until Brienne speaks up and Bran does not. Grey Worm is not having it, and Tyrion’s next performance review is not going to go well.
Arya flirt-terrogates Gendry while he cranks out the dragonglass. We get the first of may “you should stay in the crypts where it’s safes” before she shows Gendry that she’s a dangerous fighter and might be scarier than Death. He decides to get her special order done and shippers everywhere titter behind their parasols.
Jaime is the latest character to have a weird conversation with Bran in the Godswood and is confused by his apparent forgiveness. He asks what happens afterwards and Bran asks how does he know there is an afterwards. Ahem. The dude who can see through time and space is implying that Jamie has no afterwards. Update your GoT office fantasy teams accordingly.
Bran’s too weird to just be a dick to Jaime for funsies.
The Brothers Lannister do a West Wing walk-and-talk while avoiding all the phlegm in the North. They shit-talk their sister and look over the battlements to see the new bad-ass Podrick helping Brienne train her troops. Jaime awkwardly asks Brienne to fight under her command and she awkwardly accepts. The sad Jaime/Brienne shipping hold-outs grasp their scorecards and mutter “Tormund who?”
Jorah puts a word in for Tyrion with Dany and suggests she talk things out with Sansa, which goes really well. Until the future of the North comes up. Things get awkward again, then Theon shows up to hug it out with Sansa. Update your shipper cards.
A little girl with scars that remind Davos of Shereen gets our second “Stay safe in the crypt”. Gilly convinces her to protect the crypt from the inside. We’ll keep an eye out for her next week.
The survivors from Eastwatch arrive and Tormund continues to be the funniest guy in Westeros. First, he steals Edd’s Jon-hug, then asks for the “big woman” with a gleam in his eye. Update your Shipper cards.
Jon and crew lay out the battle plan, which boils down to “let’s just kill this Nightking guy, ok?” Sounds easy enough. Tyrion gets out third “Carl, stay in the house!” of the episode as Dany reaffirms his value to her.
Grey Worm makes post-war plans with Missandei, so you’ll want to trade him midseason while you can still get a Bronn or Daario from that dumb guy in HR.
Sam pushes Jon to tell his girlfriend the news and gets our fourth hard sell on that crypt shelter. He reminds Sam and Edd that he’s Sam the Fucking Slayer.
The feasting hall slowly fills up with melancholy drinkers who are about to break into “The Story of Tonight” while Brienne gets flustered by Tormund. Update your Shipper cards.
BTW, Tormund has stolen the Dairy Council gig from Luke Skywalker.
Arya sorta forgives Sandor and Beric before running into Gendry, who gives her the spear he made. She is surprised for the first time in years when he tells her he’s Robert Baratheon’s son. You remember him, right? Big guy, wanted his son to marry Ned Stark’s daughter? The shippers all stamp their cards and run to the payout window.
Just when you thought the Gendrya ship was your highlight, Jaime knights Ser Brienne of Tarth. I know some of you are disappointed that Tormund has replaced Jaime as her love interest, but you have to admit that was a way more satisfying end to their story. Which makes me scared for both of them next week.
Jorah tries for the fifth “stay in the crypt” with Lady Mormont and is told to go get his fucking shinebox. Sam give him Heartsbane, the Tarly family sword, and the musical swordswap is complete. (If you’ve forgotten, Jon has Longclaw, the Mormont ancestral sword, while Jaime and Brienne have Widow’s Wail and Oathkeeper, swords reforged from the Stark’s Ice.)
Where were we? Oh, it’s montage time! We find out Pod’s hidden talents aren’t limited to the bedroom as he sings a spooky song to usher us to Dany and Jon for their family reunion. Dany is not convinced or pleased, but they are interrupted by the red alert horn. They head to the launch bay and we see a line of White Walkers on dead horseback, conspicuously missing the Night King, who we assume is already in his TIE fighter.
Ok, guys. I’m not going to sugarcoat this. Next episode is going to be rough. I’m betting we will lose half the cast. Beric is a goner, as is Jorah, Davos, Jaime, Brienne, Lyanna Mormont, Edd, Podrick, Gendry, Ghost (who had a cameo this episode!), and Theon. Comment with your own death pool and shipper card scores. Next Sunday we’ll discover what the old gods and the new have in store. One more dawn, one more week….