It’s the biggest party, err event, err pay per view, err…. Summerslam is Sunday, OK? Rather than cover “stories” this week, I’m going to break down the entirety of the card with my predictions! Someone (not me) should keep track of how I do. Maybe for the next PPV we run a contest where one reader predicts opposite me, and loser does something silly. No, I’ve never heard of Cultaholic, why do you ask? JOIN US.

1. All the matches that don’t matter…

To clarify? Being on the pre-show is like being in the previews of a movie. Even if it’s amazing, it’s barely canon by the time you’re driving home. A pity of course, because I love a ton of these performers. But we’ll keep this short:

The B-Team vs. The Revival for the RAW Tag Team Titles — Sure. I’d love The Revival taking the titles and making a go of it. But given this is a kickoff match? I’m predicting the B-Team (B-Team, GO GO GO!) will steal this win tool, keeping their lucky streak alive until the Authors of Pain are due up.

Rusev & Lana vs. Andrade “Cien” Almas & Zelinda Vega — Team Taco Bueno. Look for English to screw the pooch leading to a blowoff feud no one wants.

Cedric Alexander vs. Drew Gulak for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship — Drew. Cause I like him. He survived a dumb as hell gimmick. He deserves a run at the grape strap for a while.

2. The Bludgeon Brothers vs. The New Day for the Smackdown Tag Team Championship

I feel like we’ve been here before. But look for this to be a potential show stealer if they give them 15 minutes or more. I’m opting for Xavier and Big E to rep Team Pancakes. If I were a fantasy booker, I’d say now would be a good time for Big E or Xavier to break free of the New Day just to be different, but c’mon. New Day is as close to John Cena when it comes to putting smiles on kids faces, so, let’s just be real. The winners will be team Smashy Hammer Beard Busters. Smackdown has amazing teams, but I feel like they need some new blood in the mix in the division.

3. Finn Balor vs. Constable Baron Corbin for literally no reason

I love the updated look of Corbin. I love that he’s a thorn in Kurt Angle’s side, and he kinda sorta books things appropriately as the heel side of the showrunner role. But the issue I’m finding is Corbin shouldn’t also be booking his way through angles here. Finn is wasted in this “feud”, because it’s the same-old-hat we’ve been served far too often. Finn is small! Who the hell cares anymore? Look at the roster of Indie Darlings and wake up, Vince. The big brawny performance enhanced roster of the past is just that. Balor has a second gear that you don’t stumble across anymore. His impromptu match against AJ Styles earlier in the year proved his star power. Let him paint himself up something fierce, and book him in a real storyline. And let Corbin build to a match with Kurt Angle — where Angle can put over the fresh talent and better legitimize him. You’re welcome.

4. Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Jeff Hardy for the US Title

No speak Engrish. Knee to face. Painted man go sleepytime for a while. Also, Randy Orton will factor in here. Because reasons. Next.

5. Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz

Give them literally as much time as they want. Make the show seven hours if you have to. This is a blow-off match to accomplish several important things. Both men need to look strong here. Miz is on the cusp of being worthy of a world title run. So too, could Daniel Bryan is WWE realizes he doesn’t need to play the underdog anymore. Especially not on the blue brand — where the House That AJ Styles Built has a bedroom for the solid indie-style work DB specializes in. We need Daniel and Miz to tell a full story. This is eight years in the making. And it’s the first time Miz feels like a potentially viable threat. I’m betting against my better judgement and letting my heart predict Daniel Bryan walks away with the win… at the cost of admitting that he respects The Miz on the next Smackdown Live.

6. Carmella vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Becky Lynch for the Smackdown Women’s Championship

This has been booked better than just about any angle of the Women’s Belt on the blue brand. Becky Lynch has the underdog role here — as Carmella could cheaply steal the match away, and the expectation is for Charlotte to regain the throne. But I think a Charlotte chasing a newly minted Lynch-as-champion would be great for the Evolution in October. The match doesn’t need to be a barn burner. Mella will stay money by attempted every possible cheat to keep her title. But if we want to play a little fantasy booker here? Let Asuka cause an unfair distraction. Let’s build all the right ladies back up to their proper role. Lynch as champion, with hoss ladies like Asuka and Charlotte breathing down her back for their shot at tearing that title right off of her.

7. Braun Strowman vs. Kevin Owens for the Money In The Bank Contract

Intelligent booking would dictate Owens could heel into the victory, lose no heat for Braun, and everyone comes out better than before. Intelligent booking further could see a lecherous Paul Heyman align with a CM Punk-esque Kevin Owens to steal the title off of a winning Roman Reigns seconds after he collapses in a heap after finally triumphing over the Beast.

But WWE doesn’t book intelligently. So, Braun will make Kevin poo his pants, call him fat, yell his name a few times, and go back to his Instragraming of eating cows and shooting guns. Yeehaw.

8. Alexa Bliss vs. Ronda Rousey for the RAW Women’s Title

While I think Rousey beating the snot out of Bliss is what the world will predict, I smell a Vince swerve here. Bliss shenanigans her way into a victory. Rousey loses no heat still looking like the braidedest woman on the planet. Simply put, a title over a green-as-gills Rousey weakens the division — because as big a draw as she may be, she isn’t capable of carrying a match yet. Baby steps. Glowering baby steps.

9. AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe for the WWE Championship

You’ll understand my placement of this match in this write up here in a second. In short: There are NO losers in this match. I don’t even care who wins. It’ll be amazing wrestling that hopefully ends with a clean victory for either man. Gun to my head? I’ll place my money on Samoa Joe. AJ’s run has been more than memorable; but I think Smackdown needs a champion to be chased at this point.

10. Dolph Ziggler (with Drew McIntyre) vs. Seth Rollins (with Dean Ambrose) for the Intercontinental Championship

I’ll make this one nice n’ easy. McIntyre tries to intervene. Ambrose counters it. Drew’s boot lands square in Ziggy’s face. Curb stomp. 1-2-3. Rollins regains the IC belt. Because…

11. Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns for the WWE Universal Championship

Sierra. Hotel. India. Echo. Lima. Delta.

Brock falls to the Shield. Roman, Seth, and Dean lock fists. Roll credits. It’s the only way Roman Reigns becomes a legit babyface. And a united Shield would sell a ton of shirts. Until Dean clubs Seth and Roman with a chair, hugs his new besties Braun Strowman and Kevin Owens, and forms The Sword.

OK, I kid, I kid. But seriously: no way Brock leaves Summerslam with Vince’s Twizzler Title. Cross-brand appeal is not in McMahon DNA.