Oh, I’m sorry. Was I supposed to write the top six stories that tickled my fancy, concerning the week in the WWE? I was just sitting here on my couch. Reading “Outdoors Heels Monthly”. Or was it “I’d Rather Be In UFC, But I Get Half a Million Bucks For Being Here Weekly”. Fine. Fine. Here’s your stories, jerks.
- Ignore. Ignore. Yell. F5. Choke out. Smirk. Yeah, that was well worth the money.
This is what constitutes story development these days in the WWE. They have a three hour show, and Brock Lesnar acts like an insolent child for 9/10ths of it. For this Vince McMahon needs to waste $500,000? While I totally get what the creative team was attempting — make Heel Lesnar Heel — frankly, I don’t want face Roman to get a pop because Brock is made to look annoyed. However… can I really complain? From Lesnar’s point of view, I’d be annoyed too. Against Lashley or Strowman? There’s story to mine. For his 807,957th battle with Rock-with-Rogain-but-nothing-else, we have no new angles to take. Is this the time Roman finally conquers the Beast? Are we seeing him train differently? Maybe attempting to expand his repertoire? No! He’s just same-old-cock-sure-snarky-Reigns.
- Meanwhile, Samoa Joe advances the story and gains real heel heat.
Samoa Joe called out AJ Styles in a very old-school promo that left me hot and bothered for an actual battle. And while the two men have clashed a ton in the past, in a single verbal tirade, we got the proper impetus for an altercation. Samoa Joe is the most underrated superstar in the WWE. Fight me.
When AJ returns next week — which was brilliant of the creative team to give Joe the promo without chance of rebuttal — the tension will only continue to rise. Meanwhile next week on RAW, we have a negative five chance of even seeing Lesnar… leaving Reigns to wind up in a match with someone who won’t matter to the bigger story at hand.
Someone please throw a big bag of steroids on the other side of Stanford, so HHH can go help RAW booking without Daddy-in-law watching.
- I like Charlotte just fine. But Becky has a point.
Charlotte is on the best women on the roster, hands down. And I wholly understand the need to get her on the Summerslam card. As one of the big four (Mania, Summerslam, Survivor Series (?), and the Rumble), the need to stack the deck with talent… At the mercy of crappy booking, we are left as fans scratching our heads and making excuses. Yes. I get why Charlotte got her spot and opportunity. Yes, she technically earned her shot with a non-title match (which you will never convince me are a good idea). But Becky Lynch has the moral high ground here. The booking was sound: she stacked up legit clean wins to show that she got her little Irish lass kicking into working order again. She then climbed the mountain and proved she could beat the infinitely beatable Alexa Bliss Lite. Congrats. Welcome the show. Now, she’ll have to share the spotlight.
Hopefully we’re all being played by Smackdown’s creative; and this leads to a banger of a three-way dance that sees Fire torch the competition to stand strong as the champ for the fall. Let the Queen be tempted to the dark side, and give us an actual story to carry us to Evolution.
- Dirt sheets all say Rusev and Cien Almas are beloved by the higher ups.
So, what exactly are we building up for them right now? Lana’s match with Vega wasn’t what I’d call a “barn burner”. And it further splits Rusev from English (?). Cien looks strong. So, ultimately, I fear this is all leading to a mid-card blow off. And then what exactly? With Shinsuke warbling around with the Re-Evil Orton, and the In Need of Back Surgery Swanton… it’s not like either of these hard workers will wind up competing for the US Title, unless Rusev is actually considered a friggen face. And that leaves Almas flipping in the wind.
- I’m sorry. I don’t understand who Elias is.
Is he a face or a heel? His songs and personality say heel. His “Walk with Elias” crowd work is babyface. He plays guitar well, which pops the crowd when done well. And he looks like Seth Rollins, if he ate protein more than he went to Crossfit. He’s had one actual memorable feud (where he took a bass to the face, cool), and one memorable match (against the always-great-no-seriously-shut-up, Cena).
So, tell me: What’s the point? Where exactly are we walking with him to?
- And now for something completely different… Hot takes on the entire mid-card. (OK, maybe not the entire mid-card, but you get me…)
Apollo: Leave Titus World Slide, and draft yourself to Smackdown.
Aiden English: You look skinny. Can you go be the tallest member of 205 Live?
Bobby Lashley: Hire Titus to talk for you. Never speak again.
Bobby Roode: Heel, heel, heelheel heel…. Heel heel heel.
Chad Gable: It was all a dream. YOU’RE Angle’s son. Wait, scratch that. Reform American Alpha and forget everything between NXT and now.
Curt Hawkins: Never stop losing.
Drew McIntyre: Smackdown. Championship. Go now. Leave Axel Rose at the gate.
Dolph Ziggler: Chase McIntyre. Get lost at the airport. Come back to RAW and make Bobby Roode a heel.
Finn Balor: Get a makeup bag and stop smiling.
Goldust: Go find your brother. I love you, but it’s time to see what life is like on the wild side.
Heath Slater: Oh my god! Is that Slate Heater on the Impact Zone?!
Jinder Mahal: Take some steroids and convince them you’d make a great foreign hee— never mind.
Kevin Owens: Steal that briefcase. Cash it in. Get a run with the title without a friendship angle. I love you.
Mike Kanellis: Wait. Uhh. Are… are you on the roster, bro?
Mojo Rawley: I kinda dig you right now. Keep grinding, and find this new heel version of yourself.
No Way Jose: Keep dancing. Right out of the arena. Right into the indies.
R-Truth: I heard No Way Jose is over there. Go follow him! What’s up!
Rhyno: Does Detroit need a mayor or something? I like you, hoss, but the cracker eating gimmick is over.
Rusev: Ignore creative. Turn face. Own it. Thrive.
Seth Rollins: Restart the Shield.
Tye Dillinger: List ten independent promotions you can join. You’d be championship material in anyone of them.
Zach Ryder: Start a competition with Hawkins to see who can lose more.