Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind #002: Oldies But Baddies

Hey, kids! It’s pop quiz time!

Don’t worry, I know you didn’t study for this one. It’s O.K. There’s only one question, it’s multiple choice, and you’ve only got two answers to choose from. An orangutan could do it.

Question: You run the 1997 Miss Teen USA beauty pageant, so you assume a privilege that is normally perceived as against the law, against most scripture, and truly disgusting. It’s a twist on the fabled and arguably apocryphal jus primae noctis, a.k.a. the “right of the first night.” Here, I’ll make it easy for you. You walk into the dressing room while a bunch of contestants, all teen-age girls, are naked and you ogle away freely. Just to be clear, these girls are as young as 15. As the song says… they are jail bait. 

Upon discovery, one of the following happens to you:

a) You lose your job, are arrested and possibly convicted and imprisoned, are put on the sex offenders’ registry, are bankrupted by lawsuits, lawyers’ fees, judgments, and loss of income, and are heavily ostracized by your friends, business associates, the media and your family. (source: logic and history)


b) 62,984,825 strategically-placed voters make you President of the United States of America. (source: CNN)

If you chose “a,” you’re precious. Welcome to Earth. I’d show you around, but that’ll only make you depressed.

Just to remind you, back when Donald Trump was around 50 years old – let’s assume his dick was still working, once he found it – he ran the 1997 Miss Teen USA beauty pageant and the pervert went into the dressing room to check out his merch. This is according to five of the contestants who were there at the time.

“I remember putting on my dress really quick because I was like, ‘Oh my god, there’s a man in here,’” Mariah Billado, the former Miss Vermont Teen USA, told BuzzFeed News.

Reacting to the commotion he caused, Trump was reported to have said “Don’t worry, ladies, I’ve seen it all before.” Isn’t that sweet? He didn’t know what “chattel” meant. He probably still doesn’t.

Now, here’s the rub: When he ran for president, he chose the morally-superior Republican Party as his vehicle. Somebody who actually read newspapers must have told him the party was impotent and ready for a fascist and racist takeover.

Trump and the Oligarchs (no relation to a 1950s doo-wop group) put together a coalition of right-wingers, the Religious Right, rabid fundamentalists (note: not the Muslim ones), bankers, money launderers and otherwise useless relatives in order to procure those 62,984,825 strategically-placed votes. As his amazingly obnoxious campaign progressed, we learned that Trump’s sexual predilections were not limited to ogling naked 15-year-old girls, as illustrated by the paper trail of complaints, lawsuits, and sundry other legal actions thick enough to build, oh, say, a wall on the Mexican border.

The Christian Fundamentalists gave him a pass, a “mulligan” as those golf-crazed freaks called it. Evidently, their bible is an Etch-a-Sketch and their ten commandments have footnotes. Go for what you see as the greater evil: Pederasty and adultery are just fine as long as you promise to get Roe v. Wade repealed. What the hell, Trump turned 72 last month; he’s unlikely to have the need for Michael Cohen to cart any pregnant females away to the nearest abortion clinic any longer, so it’s no foreskin off of his back.

So why am I bringing up this old chestnut now?

I want to remind you, once again, of exactly the type of person who is presently and lawfully stacking the Supreme Court.

Our nation’s sex-offender-in-chief and his giant-sized junta.