Oh, you didn’t know? Hello all my fellow smart marks. This here is the first in my new weekly series wherein I cover my Smarky Six of the week; six hard takes on this week in the WWE. Please denote, while I am a fan of all professional wrestling… honestly I only make time for Raw, Smackdown, and the PPV’s. I would love to do deep dives into 205 Live, NXT, New Japan, and all the indie stuff out there… But I’ll want your demand that I do it before I start investing my time, and limited energies. I mean, come on. I only have so much snark to smark about. Can you dig it, sucka?
As we make our way towards “Extreme Rules” here in the not-too-distant future, this week we saw several steps forward for a few decent storylines, as well as the all-too-usual steps backwards in other sagas. Let’s unpack this week in wrestling with my six snarky sentiments shouldered straight to the mat.
- Kevin Owens is being wasted, what a surprise!
On one hand, I shouldn’t complain; Kevin Owens was featured in multiple segments on Raw this week, and he (as always) nailed the comedy of the situation. On the other hand? I don’t particularly enjoy “the Prize Fighter” being reduced to a Port-O-Potty blue goo crash test dummy. It hardly even makes sense, from a story perspective. It’s clear as the shine on Bobby Lashley’s head that this is all a time waster while Brock Lesnar heards cattle in the mountains. The “Monster In The Bank” is literally just bullying someone because it makes him laugh. And because he’s over like rover (deservedly so!), the fans are eating this up. This all just leads me to the larger point: The Universal Title needs to be on RAW again. I have been nothing short of a Paul Heyman level apologist for Lesnar up through Mania. But at this point, sitting home for months on end does nothing for what should be a top prize of the company. And given that we saw both Braun and Samoa Joe eat clean losses to Lesnar? Any chance of Strowman stripping the Beast will barely come across as a monstrous victory. Way to shoot yourself in the foot, WWE. Oh, wasn’t this supposed to be about Kevin Owens? Meh. I’m sure he can listen to Shania Twain while I wrap this up. Next!
- Bobby Lashley will never hold my interest. Ever.
Speaking of holding my interest… you know who never has? Black Lesnar. Err, Bobby Lashley. Whatever he did in MMA and TNA that had the IWC clamoring for his return to Vinny Mac’s Wrestle Shack should feel free to prove to me how any of it is translating thus far. Because all I’ve heard and seen is exactly what I remember; what happens when you spend all your create-a-wrestler points in “muscles”, and have nothing left for “ring gear”, “personality”, or “eyebrows”.
- Mojo Rawley and Puerto Rican Adam Rose’s feud is perfect… for Main Event.
Look, I love me a good heel turn as much as the next guy. But please, WWE, answer me this: When this feud finally has the blow-off match, what do you do? Bury your NXT call up in his first real storyline? Or bury the guy who couldn’t stay healthy long enough to enjoy his original turn on Zach Ryder? Sounds like a lose-lose to me. But then again? This is the mid-card of the day; 3-spots-in-the-tank wrestlers fighting one another because… they needed to fill 7 minutes of camera time.
And while we’re here, does it bother anyone else that Mojo sounds like he’s from Compton? Do they speak Hype in Compton?
- Nia’s point was unarguably correct.
“We’re right back to where we started.”
Yup. Because the WWE bookers couldn’t stand to let Nia hold the belt for a few months, building a credible reign, while Rousey rose up through the ranks. Because that storyline follows basic logic. You know, the kind of logic they employ over on NXT. No offence, but some weeks, I can’t wait for Vince to die, so HHH can take over the book. Anyone else feel that chill up their spine?
- Hey, remember how much we loved Team Hell No? Me neither.
Look, I’m a haaaaayuuuuuuge mark for Daniel Bryan. I cried when he came back to the ring to compete again. OK? Are we clear there? Now, as for Kane? Sorry. Never liked him. Not as “The Big Red Machine”, “The Devil’s Favorite Demon”, “Undertaker’s Brother”, “X-Pac’s Bosom Buddy”, “Corporate Kane”, or whatever incarnation this is. This predilection for wacky tag teams just makes me sad. And while I eventually came around on teams like The Bar, or … uhh… The Bar… again, I see the booking here as just an absolute lose-lose. If “Hell No” wins, they are clearly transitional title holders, gaining a boost for yet another nostalgia act which then craps on all the solid building they’ve done for the Koopa Brothers. Or, they lose, and we get to see Kane turn on Daniel Bryan for the 1,974,125th time. No! No! No!
- Sanity vs. The New Day makes me believe in unicorns again.
I know every smart mark in the crap seats are dying for a New Day breakup. I hear you. I feel you. But hear me out; they don’t need to break up to break up. The fact is Kofi is a bit past his prime (hard to admit, but tell me I’m wrong), Big E could survive on his lonesome, and Xavier Woods is a Seth Rollins worthy talent… that the top brass clearly don’t see in that kind of role. So, why not work them as a Freebird team for a singles title? But I digress. Pairing them off with Sanity is a great choice for the moment. Sanity needs to legitimize their strong heel role. And they are a perfect counter the New Day; they are rainstorms to New Day’s shine. Let them feud for a few months (50/50 booking is fully endorsed here), so that New Day loses no heat, and Sanity gets the necessary rub to venture on. And hey, if by that time we have babyface tag title holders? Well, you could do a lot worse than letting them be the evil Freebirds, right? Or hell, toss the MC Hammers into their fold, and make a mega-stable. That ought to get Vince excited.
See everyone next week. Let’s hope Ellsworth gets to second base!